Switchfoot anyone?

I have recently found that I reeeeeeeally like Switchfoot.
A LOT.
I heard them growing up, and they've always been on my ipod, but they were just sort of one those bands that were just kind of...on there, you know? Other examples would be, hmm, Snoop Dogg and Elton John. Not on my typical need-to-listen playlist.

A long time ago, I memorized one of Swithfoot's songs, Gone. Last night, I found myself singing it, and I was surprised to still remember it, but once I sang it once, I sang it again. And again. And again. And pretty, soon, I was completely focused on singing that song rather than what I had been focused on, which was what had happened that evening (whole other story..)

I also love the song Enough to Let Me Go, which I first heard on my friend Lindsey's ipod. Both of these songs are currently on my mind and in my ears, and I think you should check them out. :)

because life's tough.

My mom shared with me a piece of wisdom today:

"You can't get to where you're going without accepting where you're coming from."

Thinking about what that means, I realize that it is so true. I have this problem with getting stuck- I often look at what is happening and don't think about ways to solve it, but rather how "unfair" it is that I have to be going through it in the first place. I have found myself, time after time, so angry and unhappy with the way things happen, and yet I choose to simply sit and wallow and pout instead of taking steps to change it. I don't know why I do this. It doesn't get me where I want to be. I recognize that I am doing it, and yet I still persist. I need to come to the radical acceptance that yes, unexpected, unfortunate, sometimes just plain unfair things will happen to me, but if I don't have the ability to accept them and begin pushing towards resolving them, they will stick with me, a constant thorn in my side.

It's time to stop letting my pain and anger hold me back from where I want to end up, because quite frankly,
life's tough.

disappointment all around.

Today was supposed to be fun.
I was so excited and so glad to have come up with the best plan, ever.
Everything was going to go as planned, and it would have been a treat for everyone involved.
We both worked so hard to set this up.

And now it can't even happen.

I should've known.

2 truths.

Love Them Anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.

Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

%*$!#@

i am so lost. i am so so so lost.

coming home to breathe.

You know those things that your friends tell you you should be happy about, your parents say you should be concerned about, and you tell yourself to be concerned enough about to please your parents but secretly very excited about? And how it's not gonna be easy giving it all up?
If you followed ANY of that, welcome to my world right now.

this day.

this day.
this one day, when cheesy carols are dancing through our ears every minute,
when lights are kept on all night,
when fights are forgotten and all is forgiven,
when traditions are upheld no matter the situation,
when everyone sits down at the dinner table and the voices in the room don't come from the tv,
when calories and meal plans and healthy eating doesn't matter,
when new, soft, warm pajamas are given and laughed about,
when staying home with the family is more desirable than going out with friends,
when it's cold outside but warm everywhere else, from the living room with a fire to a stomach full of hot chocolate,
when everything slows and is such a perfect kind of peace that you wish it could stay like that forever,
that is the holidays, and that is when i am most happy.

that's when i feel infinite.

lost in translation.

I just realized that I didn't watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" this Thanksgiving. I've never missed it before...my childhood is dying. :(

where the road meets the sun.

It's Thanksgiving, and man, my house smells like what I imagine Heaven will smell like. My grandparents, parents, sister, and a cousin are sitting in my living room right now, and I have been slowly realizing that there is no place I'd rather be. I love my home, my family, our traditions, and the little tweaks and quirks that sometimes get on each others' nerves but more often make each other smile. This holiday truly is about family, and togetherness, and thankfulness, and that has been something I've really needed lately. I've been struggling with some things, but this holiday season is just what it will take for me to let it all go and just let myself be blessed by what those closest to me have to give.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go be a part of the family time that is happening in my living room. :)

life ain't always beautiful.

These past couple of months, I've had to make some hard decisions.

Do I quit volleyball?

Do I continue to put on a happy face around a certain someone and pretend like their habits don't annoy me beyond belief?

Do I let people take advantage of me because I can always be counted on to do my homework?

Do I give in to the things i have been working so hard on to avoid?

Do I let myself fall back into the destructive grip of jealousy?

Do I attempt to salvage the scrap of faith in God I have left?

My answers have been simple, but not easily attainable.

Yes, I am quitting volleyball. It is not something that is right for me at this time in my life and although it is sad, I hope my teammates respect that and realize that I'm not changing my mind.

No, I will not pretend or be fake. I'm going to start distancing myself from this person, because it can only get nasty.

No, I refuse to be walked all over. My classmates need to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions. I work way too hard to let others get the credit.

No, I will stay strong and look at the big picture. This fleeting happiness here doesn't last, but looking back and seeing how long I've gone without giving in to temptation will be so incredibly rewarding.

No, I will constantly remind myself that "Comparison is the thief of joy." I've finally gotten to a place where I am okay with who I am, and I'm not going to throw that all away.

Yes, I need to make a conscious effort to repair my relationship with the Lord. In fact, I feel like I need to start all over. I'm going back to the basics: Lord, I recognize that I need You, and that whatever I'm doing on my own is not working.

11/15/10.

I just want to completely erase this day from existence.
I am so embarrassed.

i've become one of them.

...one of those girls.
you know, the ones who are obsessed with a certain someone named Justin Bieber.
Take a look at my playlist, and then listen to alllllll the songs on it. Every last one of them.
You'll be hooked too! :)

crazy.

A friend drove me home today. As in, it was only her and i in her car. As in, we were DRIVING without a parent constantly reminding her to speed up, slow down, put on her blinker or come to a complete stop. I couldn't help feeling so unbelievably cool, and then I realized,
this is going to be me soon. By soon of course I mean in several months, but soon enough. I can't believe that the years have flown by the way they have. In my chemistry class, we had a substitute that was a retired middle school teacher and I could swear that I recognized him, and I realized that he was my homeroom teacher in 7th grade. That was three years ago! It seemed like last week!
Also, I can't believe that my VERY LAST VOLLEYBALL GAME is coming up. Next Tuesday will be the last time I step on the court as a part of the Champion volleyball team, or as a part of any team at all. Volleyball has been what I've been a part for years now, and I know that I will be a little lost without it for a while, but I am confident that I will find my path. Although I will dearly miss volleyball, I know that in order to prepare myself for what I plan on doing in college, I simply have to cut it out of my schedule. I think the thing I will miss the most will be spending time with the girls on my team who I have gotten to know better and really love!
What I'm getting at, is that it is crazy how fast everything moves. I find myself nervous and anxious for the future, but I can't wait to find out what this world has in store for me.

Kingdom Come.

"For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come

Until my day, my day is done

And say you'll come and set me free

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

uninspired.

grumpy. tired. stressed. sick of you, you, and you.
and why, why, WHY can i not think of anything to write?

these are a few of my favorite things.

My favorite thing is when I wake up and realize that the sun has just started to come up, and I get to watch the sunrise.
My favorite thing is when I go downstairs and my mom has made me the best breakfast I could ask for, without me even asking.
My favorite thing is doing my hair and having it work out exactly how I wanted it, the first time I try.
My favorite thing is when my sister asks me for help picking out an outfit, and when she puts it on, seeing her finally smile.
My favorite thing is when I get to school and am greeted with a hug.
My favorite thing is when my photography teacher praises my work and wants to see more.
My favorite thing is getting back a test that I was nervous about and making a really good grade.
My favorite thing is sitting at lunch, looking around, and realizing that there is no one else I would rather sit with, because the girls around me are already my best friends.
My favorite thing is having only three periods per day, because volleyball doesn't count.
My favorite thing is doing something good in volleyball and getting a little bit of a confidence boost.
My favorite thing is having a study group with two close friends that ends up being "girl bonding time."
My favorite thing is coming home and not having any homework that needs to be done.
My favorite thing is going outside with a TeenVogue and sitting in the hammock.
My favorite thing is eating dinner as a family around the rarely-used kitchen table.
My favorite thing is laughing my head off at the new episode of The Office.
My favorite thing is taking a shower and automatically "washing off" the day, but then realizing that it was a great day and doesn't need "washing off."
My favorite thing is falling right asleep as I lay down, and not waking up all night.
My favorite thing is feeling so grateful for everything I've been blessed with, and hoping that I realize it more often.

for the first time.

Last night, for the first time since I've been home, I cried for Africa.
When I left, I didn't actually think I would miss it; I thought I would enjoy having everything here that I didn't have there, but I would give up all of this if I could go back to Uganda right now.

I'm starting to think that decorating my binder with pictures of Africa wasn't the greatest idea, because now I'm reminded of how much I wish I was there everytime I see it. :(

I miss Violet and Brian so much.

Sophomore.

Goals for my tenth-grade year:

1. Get my priorities in order. It's time for me to take a step back and take a long, hard look at what's really important in my life. I've spent way too long focusing on things that either hurt me, disappoint me, or leave me when they get used up. I know the things that are important, now I just need the will to stick with them.

2. Get it done, and get it done right. Whatever I do, whenever I do it. It may be an essay, it may be a volleyball practice. Regardless if it is something I like to do or not, I need to complete it to the best of my ability, every time.

3. Have a better attitude. Basically about everything. I have proven to myself that having a good attitude improves every situation countless times, and yet I still struggle with negativity.

4. Be bolder. My timidness has gotten me almost nowhere, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm never heard. I know it has alot to do with my confidence level, but I want to be known as someone other than "Lainey's sister." I don't want to be an afterthought any more!

5. Make a new friend. I stepped out of my comfort zone and got to know a new girl freshman year, and she is now my best friend!

6. Take personal responsibility. It's up to me and only me to make this year my best yet. I need to quit blaming others for my mistakes and accept that I can't have it all together all the time.

7. Stop trying to mold myself into a way that seems to be what others want. This is such a hard one, because I have struggled for so long with not feeling funny enough or talkative enough, and that makes me feel like I'm not liked enough. But even when I fake it, everyone can tell, and it doesn't make me feel any better. It's time to be myself, and I think I will really find out who my real friends are by doing this. There is one friend in particular that has given me the strength to commit to this, because she has told me more than once that my quiet, reserved, and slightly sarcastic personality is exactly what she loves so much about me. That was just the push I needed, to know that there are people out there who will appreciate me for who I am, not who I pretend to be.

8. Volleyball. I'm not 100 percent sure what my goal for this is, I just know that something needs to change.

9. Get a "body-image booster". Find a new look, a haircut, an outfit, or a makeup trick that bumps up my self-esteem and makes me feel better about myself, if only for a short time. I read this in a magazine, and it said that girls who experiment and find something that makes them like what they see in the mirror have a better day overall. It's definitley worth a try.

10. Live fully, faithfully, and fantastically. I want to do things that are out of my comfort zone and push myself to a level that I've never been to before, in the hopes of having an experience that is memorable beyond belief. I want to take my life from my own hands and place in the Lord's. There is no way that I am going to be able to make it through without His guidance, I've tried and failed too many times. I'm still going to mess up, and I'll probably have to renew my faith again and again and again this year, but each time brings me closer to where I long to be. The thing is, I want to be real with my faith. I want people to see that I'm not perfect and I'm not "changed", but I'm trying. I don't want to be that girl who says the Lord is at work in her life and then does everything to prove it untrue. If I'm struggling with my faith, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not, and that's one of my biggest annoyances. Sorry guys, but you can't "change" from a week of camp!


Will I live up to these goals? Who knows, ask me again at the start of junior year.

My African Experience.

As you might have known, I just got back today from a 15-day long mission trip to Uganda, in Africa. It was exhausting, saddening, joyous, and incredible all rolled up into one. Going over there, I was expecting to have an immediate connection with the people of Africa. I thought that helping them was going to be my calling, and that if I experienced it firsthand, I would truly know for sure.
That didn't happen. The first night, I was laying in a hot, stuffy room, on a sheet that was scratchy and with my head on a pillowcase that smelled nothing like home. My body smelled like bug spray and the mosquito net around me that kept swishing across my cheek reminded me of how many diseases I could get even by just laying there. It was dark, I felt filthy, and the square window that was cut out of the wall had nothing on it to keep the night out. I was terrified, and all of the sudden I started to cry. I seriously couldn't help myself; I asked myself, out loud, "Why are you here?" The only place I wanted to be at that moment was home, in my cozy, safe bed in my cozy, safe house where I felt cozy and safe. I wished so badly that I hadn't made the decision to come on the trip, and I just wept because of it. As I thought more about why the heck I had wanted to come to such a horrible, uncomfortable place in the first place, I got really honest with myself- I was in major denial. I had told myself and others that I wanted to go and make a difference in someone's life, to give them hope and a way to push into the future. And I did want that, deep down. But on top of all that, the primary reason I had wanted to go to Africa so badly was so that I could say I've been to Africa. I would have bragging rights, people would be jealous and amazed and wish they could say the same. I would have something that most of my friends didn't, and I could wave it in their faces. (Reading over this, that sounds so selfish! So much more than when I was thinking it in my head..) I knew that that reason would never work with my mom, so I pushed it out of the way and hid it, pretending that I wanted to go purely out of the goodness of my heart. Laying there in a strange bed in a strange country that first night, I realized that having "bragging rights" was not worth it. I just wanted to go home.
As the trip went on, I got more comfortable and started to really enjoy Africa. Of course, there were times on the trip where I was really homesick and longed to be able to enjoy the luxuries of what I had at home, but the good was outweighing the bad. I was developing relationships with the kids, I was familiar with the smells and sights and sounds of Iganga, the town we were in for most of the trip, and I was sleeping easier. But something was still missing- As each day passed, I wasn't getting that "Aha! This is what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life!" moment. Many of the others on the trip seemed to have a real heart for what they were doing; it was truly their calling, and for some reason I needed it to be mine too, but it wasn't! Each day I kept getting more frustrated, and on the tenth day we were in Uganda, the Lord revealed to me where my true heart lies- In Russia. (Bear with me, I know this sounds a little weird!)
Truly, as I looked out the window of our bus, and saw the busy streets of Iganga, it was like the world I was looking at was transformed. I was no longer in Africa, but instead I was in Russia, on a snow-covered street, helping the orphaned children who were freezing to death in the snow. I literally knew in that moment that those were the people I was created to help. I told my mom about this, and she agreed that we should start planning a mission trip to Russia in a year or two, when I could go by myself. This was probably the biggest realization and encounter with God of my life, and it never would've happened if I didn't visit Africa!
Now, don't get me wrong, I loved being able to help those people, and bringing a smile to their faces was definitley worthwhile. I would for sure want to come back to Africa again, but I now know that it is not my calling to serve there. It was an awesome experience and I have loads of stories and memories to share from it, and I feel extremely blessed and grateful that I was able to go and hope to return in the future!

oh no no no.

I AM SO MAD.
This stupid Blogger template designer screwed up my whole blog! I HATE the way it looks, and it won't let me go back to how it used to be! WHAT THE HECK.
I absolutely positively want my old layout back, and I'm beyond angry.

keep on rollin'.

Lainey and I got our permits today. Milestones, milestones. I don't even feel old enough to drive; when I see others driving, I feel like they look so much older, and I, well, don't. I guess I never thought that the day would actually come where I was handed the keys and told, "Alright, take us home." I think I was unconciously living in some world where I didn't grow up, and so today came as a big shock to me. I can't even imagine myself driving, it seems like something I'd never get to do. Like something on the horizon, where I can see it, but never get close enough to reach out and grab it, untill suddenly today I'm fifteen and going in to take the driving test and walking out with a permit and sitting in the drivers' seat and putting the car in drive and checking the mirrors and....
Wow. This milestone is huge, and I can only imagine what others are to come. I think realizing that I'm old to enough to drive has given me a wake-up call- I'm growing up, and it's time to stop denying that I will be the stress-free, un-troubled little girl that I was in my childhood ever again.
To close, I'll just give you all a fair warning- Watch out for me on the road. ;)


(I'm not kidding I'm a terrible driver!)

"If I had a thousand lives, I'd live them all for Africa."
--Hudson Taylor

J o y.
Unexplainable, all-encompassing, came-out-of-nowhere joy fills me tonight as I imagine where I'll be in only sixteen days. I will be in Africa! Africa! I almost can't believe it! I think that for the first time, the fact of it all has hit me. And, also for the first time, my fears and worries and nerves and doubts are melting away, and all I am left with is an uncontrollable desire to go and serve and reach out to people and be changed in a way that I thought I'd never get to experience. I can't think about anything else these days, all of my thoughts have been going directly to the people of Uganda and how they and I both will be forever changed. My wishful thinking about Africa has even been clouding out my excitement about Pine Cove, which happens first, and that is not easy to do. I feel like there is no better time for me to go to Uganda than right after camp, which fills me with the spirit of the Lord and refreshes and renews my faith even stronger every year. I am so glad that I'll be able to go over to Africa with my heart in the right place.
If you're reading this blog and you've noticed that many of the recent posts have been about Africa, it's only because it is the biggest thing going on in my life right now, the biggest and craziest adventure I've ever been able to take. If I have this much emotion 2 weeks before the trip, I can only imagine what I'm going to be like when actually traveling!
To wrap up this post, I will ask you all to pray for me and my team not only while we're there (July 28-August 11) but also before we go, so that we will be able to go with a big group of people supporting us through their prayers. I have been wanting to go to Africa so badly for so long, and I never ever ever expected to actually be able to go, but that just shows you the power of patience and trusting in God to get the timing right! I will cherish this trip for the rest of my life, and I can't wait to see where else the Lord takes me!

"Christ alone can save the world, but Christ cannot save the world alone." --David Livingston
"I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light" --John Keith Falconer
"Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell; I wish to run a rescue mission within a yard of hell."--C.T. Studd
"Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God"--William Carey
"Lost people matter to God, and so they must matter to us."--Keith Wright
"Let my heart be broken with the things that break God's heart"--Bob Pierce

Don't You Just Hate That...

-based on the book by Scott Cohen-

Sitting down, getting comfortable and ready to watch TV and realizing that you left the remote in the kitchen.

Realizing that you're wrong after you've been arguing to prove that you're right.

People who always have food on their faces.

When someone eats the most disgusting thing you can think of right in front of you.

Singing loudly enough in the shower so that you can hear yourself and realizing after you get out that everyone else in the house could hear you too.

People who are always always ALWAYS several hours late.

Having to share your best friend with someone else.

Not liking the present you got from the person who normally gives THE BEST presents.

When you find yourself talking to someone who's not listening.

People who are hard of hearing and ask "What?" over and over again.

Being so excited for something and then it doesn't happen.

Awkward silences with people you shouldn't feel awkward with.

Biting into a piece of fruit that looks ripe but is rock hard.

A slow driver in front of you when you're already late.

Hitting a body part that already has a bruise on it.

When your feet fall asleep.

Raising your hand to ask a question and having the teacher begin to walk over, and then 3 more people between you and the teacher raise their hands, and she stops to help them first.

Laughing at something for waaaay too long, and people start to look at you like you're embarrassing yourself, which you are.

Really enjoying a song and then someone starts asking you questions in the middle of it.

When someone stands right in front of the TV while you're watching it.

When someone starts a sentence and then never finishes it.

Organizing something, walking away, and then coming back to find it completly messed up.

When the maid moves your stuff from the place you like it to the place she thinks is best.

Elderly people who shove past you or walk so slow and don't let you pass them.

Peopleee whoo tyyppeee likeee thisssssss, all the time.

Thinking that you smell what you're craving for dinner, then coming downstairs to find that it's not at all what you wanted.

People who don't see how lucky they are.

Men who boss their wives around in public.

When someone hurts your feelings, and then tries to cover it up by saying "Just kidding".

Knowing what you want to say, sitting down with the person you want to say it to, and then not being able to say it.

the countdown begins.

TEN DAYS till Pine Cove.
TWENTY DAYS till Africa.

ohmygosh.
I still can't believe it's snuck up on me so fast, it seems like yesterday I was sitting in Mrs. Burton's English class, daydreaming about summer.

I AM GOING TO GET TO GO TO A DIFFERENT CONTINENT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!
As the date gets closer, my nerves are being covered up by pure excitement. I am SO looking forward to this trip!!

But....I still have Pine Cove before Africa, and I'm excited for that too. I just hope that my anticipation and excitement about Africa doesn't consume my every thought while I'm at PC, because I want to be able to be in the moment and get the most out of this year at camp.
But I'm just so excited. :)

how i hate being sick.

Sore throat. Achy everywhere. Chills and a fever. Constant headache. No appetite. Too tired to do anything but lay on the couch or sit at the computer.

Count yourselves lucky.