it's all love, all love.

how do you tell if you're where you're supposed to be?

Man, it's been awhile since I've posted, I know. There hasn't really been much time. I spend eleven hours a day at a program deep in SA, surrounded by some of the most supportive girls I have ever met, all dealing with similar issues to the ones I am. I have made such great friends, and I honestly don't think I've ever felt so loved.

There is just one problem.
When everything is over, and they decide that I am well and healthy again, I will have to leave.

It's hard to explain how much I love being at the program. The days are long, the groups are exhausting and the little thing we have to do every day at 8:30, 10:30, 12:30, 3:30, and 6:30 is draining and emotional. But I am surrounded and lifted up by the most amazing group of girls I have ever, ever known, and I make it through each day with the knowledge that I am cared about. My journey, (and for those who don't know, I'll tell you someday) is a long one, and it's far from over. I expect to struggle for a long time, and I'm not one hundred percent sure that I'll ever be able to shut this out of my life completley, but I do know that for now, Courtney, Charlotte, Holly, Vivian, Leah, Kimberley, Cayman, Ali, Joan, Liz, Lauren, Hannah, Kenedy, Mikayla, and Alicea are what keep me going right now. I am so grateful that I get to spend all day with them!

(But for the record, I miss all of my "old" friends too. & Lindsey, if you're reading this, I was touched by your post. I mostly miss that someone [you] too.)

like a photograph in a mirror, i want to see you clearer.

Starting on Monday, I am beginning a new chapter in my life, and it looks like it's going to be the hardest one yet. I cannot wait untill summer, when it will at least make it a little easier. I will miss all of this so, so much.

i don't know how to tell you this but...

you are damaging me. you are hurting me beyond belief and i can't do anything about it. leave my mind alone, stop laying your traps and playing your tricks. i'm sick of it but i can't stop you.

like father, like daughter.

This is my dad.

We don't really understand each other, and we often don't agree.

...But I am one lucky girl to have him in my life.

contemplations

Tomorrow, at 4:30 in the morning, I'll be on a plane that will be taking me to a city that I have wanted to visit since I was a little girl. And I'm excited...really, I am.

The thing is, today in Texas was a blue-sky, summer-sun, friend-filled perfect day. I got a tan (okay, more of a sunburn, but it's still color) and I went for a bike ride with my hair down and loose. I didn't put a pair of shoes on my barefoot feet all day (not even to ride my bike) and I laid out by the pool, absorbing the heat and the fresh air and all that is good and glorious on days like this.

And tomorrow, I leave this beautiful weather to spend my Spring Break where it is cold and windy and still snowing in March, with the one member of my family who I feel the farthest from. What am I thinking?

Okay, so it's New York. The weather is not going to be that bad. The sights I will get to see will make up for the lost time in the sun. Hopefully my dad and I will grow closer as a result of spending a solid week together without the other half of our family. And I'll turn sixteen at the top of Rockefeller Center! It will be fun, and I'm looking forward to it.

...But I still can't shake the fact that I am beginning to appreciate things that I never thought I would appreciate. Like living in Texas, where warm days start to show themselves sooner in the year than many places. And the fact that I can spend the day outside, away from technology, work, arguments, and material possessions and still have a blast and feel at peace. Several years ago, I wouldn't have been capable of appreciating these small pleasures.

So I'm going to go into this vacation with great expectations. I'm going to let myself enjoy all that the city has to offer, and remind myself how lucky I am. I am going to bundle up, stick close to my dad, and try my hardest not to look like a tourist, and I am going to fufill my childhood dream of visiting NYC.

I know I'm going to have such a great experience on this trip, and I can't wait for it to start. This post was more about celebrating the fact that I am now really starting to see what it feels like to appreciate the home I've always known, and how blessed I am to be able to enjoy myself in two totally and completley different enviornments...

See ya'll in a week!

Switchfoot anyone?

I have recently found that I reeeeeeeally like Switchfoot.
A LOT.
I heard them growing up, and they've always been on my ipod, but they were just sort of one those bands that were just kind of...on there, you know? Other examples would be, hmm, Snoop Dogg and Elton John. Not on my typical need-to-listen playlist.

A long time ago, I memorized one of Swithfoot's songs, Gone. Last night, I found myself singing it, and I was surprised to still remember it, but once I sang it once, I sang it again. And again. And again. And pretty, soon, I was completely focused on singing that song rather than what I had been focused on, which was what had happened that evening (whole other story..)

I also love the song Enough to Let Me Go, which I first heard on my friend Lindsey's ipod. Both of these songs are currently on my mind and in my ears, and I think you should check them out. :)

because life's tough.

My mom shared with me a piece of wisdom today:

"You can't get to where you're going without accepting where you're coming from."

Thinking about what that means, I realize that it is so true. I have this problem with getting stuck- I often look at what is happening and don't think about ways to solve it, but rather how "unfair" it is that I have to be going through it in the first place. I have found myself, time after time, so angry and unhappy with the way things happen, and yet I choose to simply sit and wallow and pout instead of taking steps to change it. I don't know why I do this. It doesn't get me where I want to be. I recognize that I am doing it, and yet I still persist. I need to come to the radical acceptance that yes, unexpected, unfortunate, sometimes just plain unfair things will happen to me, but if I don't have the ability to accept them and begin pushing towards resolving them, they will stick with me, a constant thorn in my side.

It's time to stop letting my pain and anger hold me back from where I want to end up, because quite frankly,
life's tough.

disappointment all around.

Today was supposed to be fun.
I was so excited and so glad to have come up with the best plan, ever.
Everything was going to go as planned, and it would have been a treat for everyone involved.
We both worked so hard to set this up.

And now it can't even happen.

I should've known.

2 truths.

Love Them Anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.

Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

%*$!#@

i am so lost. i am so so so lost.

coming home to breathe.

You know those things that your friends tell you you should be happy about, your parents say you should be concerned about, and you tell yourself to be concerned enough about to please your parents but secretly very excited about? And how it's not gonna be easy giving it all up?
If you followed ANY of that, welcome to my world right now.

this day.

this day.
this one day, when cheesy carols are dancing through our ears every minute,
when lights are kept on all night,
when fights are forgotten and all is forgiven,
when traditions are upheld no matter the situation,
when everyone sits down at the dinner table and the voices in the room don't come from the tv,
when calories and meal plans and healthy eating doesn't matter,
when new, soft, warm pajamas are given and laughed about,
when staying home with the family is more desirable than going out with friends,
when it's cold outside but warm everywhere else, from the living room with a fire to a stomach full of hot chocolate,
when everything slows and is such a perfect kind of peace that you wish it could stay like that forever,
that is the holidays, and that is when i am most happy.

that's when i feel infinite.

lost in translation.

I just realized that I didn't watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" this Thanksgiving. I've never missed it before...my childhood is dying. :(

where the road meets the sun.

It's Thanksgiving, and man, my house smells like what I imagine Heaven will smell like. My grandparents, parents, sister, and a cousin are sitting in my living room right now, and I have been slowly realizing that there is no place I'd rather be. I love my home, my family, our traditions, and the little tweaks and quirks that sometimes get on each others' nerves but more often make each other smile. This holiday truly is about family, and togetherness, and thankfulness, and that has been something I've really needed lately. I've been struggling with some things, but this holiday season is just what it will take for me to let it all go and just let myself be blessed by what those closest to me have to give.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go be a part of the family time that is happening in my living room. :)

life ain't always beautiful.

These past couple of months, I've had to make some hard decisions.

Do I quit volleyball?

Do I continue to put on a happy face around a certain someone and pretend like their habits don't annoy me beyond belief?

Do I let people take advantage of me because I can always be counted on to do my homework?

Do I give in to the things i have been working so hard on to avoid?

Do I let myself fall back into the destructive grip of jealousy?

Do I attempt to salvage the scrap of faith in God I have left?

My answers have been simple, but not easily attainable.

Yes, I am quitting volleyball. It is not something that is right for me at this time in my life and although it is sad, I hope my teammates respect that and realize that I'm not changing my mind.

No, I will not pretend or be fake. I'm going to start distancing myself from this person, because it can only get nasty.

No, I refuse to be walked all over. My classmates need to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions. I work way too hard to let others get the credit.

No, I will stay strong and look at the big picture. This fleeting happiness here doesn't last, but looking back and seeing how long I've gone without giving in to temptation will be so incredibly rewarding.

No, I will constantly remind myself that "Comparison is the thief of joy." I've finally gotten to a place where I am okay with who I am, and I'm not going to throw that all away.

Yes, I need to make a conscious effort to repair my relationship with the Lord. In fact, I feel like I need to start all over. I'm going back to the basics: Lord, I recognize that I need You, and that whatever I'm doing on my own is not working.

11/15/10.

I just want to completely erase this day from existence.
I am so embarrassed.

i've become one of them.

...one of those girls.
you know, the ones who are obsessed with a certain someone named Justin Bieber.
Take a look at my playlist, and then listen to alllllll the songs on it. Every last one of them.
You'll be hooked too! :)

crazy.

A friend drove me home today. As in, it was only her and i in her car. As in, we were DRIVING without a parent constantly reminding her to speed up, slow down, put on her blinker or come to a complete stop. I couldn't help feeling so unbelievably cool, and then I realized,
this is going to be me soon. By soon of course I mean in several months, but soon enough. I can't believe that the years have flown by the way they have. In my chemistry class, we had a substitute that was a retired middle school teacher and I could swear that I recognized him, and I realized that he was my homeroom teacher in 7th grade. That was three years ago! It seemed like last week!
Also, I can't believe that my VERY LAST VOLLEYBALL GAME is coming up. Next Tuesday will be the last time I step on the court as a part of the Champion volleyball team, or as a part of any team at all. Volleyball has been what I've been a part for years now, and I know that I will be a little lost without it for a while, but I am confident that I will find my path. Although I will dearly miss volleyball, I know that in order to prepare myself for what I plan on doing in college, I simply have to cut it out of my schedule. I think the thing I will miss the most will be spending time with the girls on my team who I have gotten to know better and really love!
What I'm getting at, is that it is crazy how fast everything moves. I find myself nervous and anxious for the future, but I can't wait to find out what this world has in store for me.

Kingdom Come.

"For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come

Until my day, my day is done

And say you'll come and set me free

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."