frustration station.

oh, goodness.
volleyball today was...pure disappointment.
i wish i knew what i was doing wrong, what the others do that seem to make them perfect and valued in the coach's eyes.
what the HECK am i doing? i know i got put on the team because of my serves, and now i can't even give those to them. is it just a bad day? or do i really, really suck? am i always going to be this inconsistent?
i'm so confused. i'm angry, frustrated, nervous, unsure, doubtful, and emotional right now. this is the only thing i could think of to do, so here i am.

wish me luck as i possibly humiliate myself tomorrow.

i despise my name.

Emily.
so boring and common and disgusting.
it would even be alright if it was spelled differently, like
Emalee
or Emilee
or Emaleigh
or Emileigh
or Emalea
or Emilea.
but no.
it's just E m i l y. :P

this stupid, sinking dream.

unrealistic.
that's what everyone else tells me.
"It's just not going to work. There's a one-in-a-million chance of it, and you're not that one."
and i almost believed them, for a while.
sure, there's a one-in-a-million chance,
sure, i'm not a kid starlet with famous parents and a heap of money,
sure, i can't draw, or sew, or sketch, or hem, or do any of that stuff that is deemed nesscary to succeed.
but why can't i be that one?
who says i can't make my own way?
why can't i learn those things now, is it so important that i know them for years?

i say these things, but i don't believe them. my last, small hope of a life beyond ordinary is fading fast, and will soon be gone. if i was meant for this, it would've happened earlier, right? i wouldn't be sitting here in small-town Texas, writing a blog to people who don't care, don't read, and won't ever appreciate my words. What is so special about those people, that they get a chance at something bigger in life, and why doesn't it happen to me? Sometimes I feel like i'm on top of the world, and then i look down, and i'm only three feet above the ground. I put on something that i'm sure will get me noticed, but all people see is the next girl over. i'm skipped over, ignored, passed around, and looked down upon. i'm nothing special. i have a dream, but so do millions of other girls, and they're the ones with the power, status, and influence enough to make something of it. if i can't be who i long to be, then who do i be? when i die, will the only people remembering me be my friends and family? i can't bear to think about the fact that i will probably not ever become someone who the world will remember, simply because there are those who are in line with the same dream, and they are at the front, and me? the very back. i don't have a rags-to-riches story. i've lived in the same place in the same house with the same people all my life. my friends are the greaest thing and yet they are nothing like me. they don't, can't, won't understand why i wouldn't want to just grow up, go to a well-known Texas college, get married right out of college, settle down near the family, and have 3 children that are named Madison, Blake, and Emily. Personally, i cannot think of a more dull, lifeless, and boring life than that of the All-American family.
I'm looking for a chance, looking for a shot, looking towards my goal and stretching and reaching untill i just can't take it anymore. i may not be anything special, but i don't believe that the Lord wouold put this desire so strongly in my heart unless He was intending to do something with it.
So for now, i better go take those sewing lessons.



Life is so beautiful, but it's also very unfair.

an afterthought.

Life is really something. And that's that.

Packed and Ready.

Today, I am going on an adventure. :)

...Ok, so not really. I am just going to Dallas, but seeing how boring my summer has been so far, it is big enough for me. xD
My sister is going to compete in a state acrobatic gymnastics meet, and I am going to cheer her on!! Acro from 10:00 in the morning to 6:00 at night for 2 days, yayy!!!
NOT.
Yeah, they are pretty boring. But what is cheering me up is the fact that I might (cross your fingers) see this guy from her last acro meet. Ryan, mmmm. He is seriously the h o t t e s t guy I've ever seen and I am praying that I see him there!! Ah, that would make it all worth it..
Ok, that's it. See you, um, talk to you later, I don't know what to write here, oh well.
Au revoir and wish me luck with the dreamboat!!
Love, em. x)



P.S. My color scheme for this blog is really geting me down. I don't know what to do it as, and I don't like how it looks now. Any suggestions?

14 Things I Wish I Had Figured Out Sooner, But I Didn't.

1. The person you see in the mirror is beautiful, no matter what, because God made her!

2. Nobody is going to remember what you wore yesterday in a year or even next week. Don't spend so much time perfecting the outside when the thing that people are going to remember about you is the inside. ( But, hey, looking nice is never a sin ;D )

3. Fear is just Satan's way of keeping you from getting as much joy as you possibly can out of your life.

4. If God got you TO it, He can get you THROUGH it.

5. Live for the everyday moment. The minute you start wondering and freaking out about the future, you will forget your present and might miss out on something very valuable.

6. You can't wait on Prince Charming. If no one likes you, then no one likes you, you get over it and realize that your Eternal Prince is far greater than any Charming's the world could turn up. And one day, if God wills it, He will lead the right guy into your life.

7. People aren't going to believe you're a Christian if you don't act like one.

8. N O O N E is perfect. Well, except for Jesus.

9. You can't change who you are. You can fake iit, change your appearance, and switch cliques, but you'll always just be you. The minute you embrace this, you allow God to come in and shape you into the person He has always planned for you to be.

10. Don't devote yourself to something that will only let you down; a material thing. Let the Lord fill your every action and thought, and you will have eternal pleasure & happiness.

11. Jesus Christ is the way, the right way, and the only way. There is no Jesus without life, and there is no life without Jesus.

12. If you say something, you better be able to back it up. People don't like liars.

13. True love does not happen in middle school. It does not happen in high school. It may not even happen in college. The world is too big of an ocean to be set on one fish right now.

14. Hope is a thing with feathers, and it can fly if you just let it.

a day in the life of a french-speaking wannabe.

Yes, I wish i knew French. I am a French-speaking wannabe. No, scratch that, I am a FRENCH wannabe. I wish I not only knew French, but had the adorable accent to go with it.

short post, but that's my life story right there. x)

Inspiration.

I am inspired by s o m a n y t h i n g s , I can't even begin to name them all. Marc Jacob's floaty chiffon dresses and Chloe's tough-meets-chic ruffled cream-coloured ankle boots make me want to fly away on Cloud 9. Just hearing William Fitzsimmon's magical voice softly through my speaker gives me enough inspiration to write a whole book of songs (that i could never, ever sing, thanks to my tone-deaf voice) but songs all the same. Looking around, when I see sunlight streaming through the trees making them all shadow-y and beautiful, I can barely breathe. "Lack of inspiration" is not a term I can ever use. I believe that people who use that as an excuse are just lazy, because there is inspiration all around us! It may not be in the form that you were expecting it to be in but it is there! Half-bloomed flowers and music and poetry, and friends, and animals and French accents and CLOTHES! (oh yes, clothes) all set fire to my imagination and once I've started, I can't stop.
Why am I writing this again? I know, it makes me sound like an old maid who has nothing else to do with her life, sorry. I think I am writing this not really to be read, but more for myself, you know? Like, if I could just get it all out in words, that makes me realize how much I have to be thankful for. Inspiration is one of the few things in life that will never run out, never grow old, and you can never get enough of it. I love feeling inspired. In fact, writing this post has inspired me to go write another post!
Au Revoir for now, loves.