errgh.

Looking through pictures on my computer & on Facebook today, I found so many photographs that I had forgotten existed! Along with bringing back memories, laughs, and "oh-my-gosh's", these photos also conjured up the all too familiar feeling of "wanting, but not being able to." What I WANT to do is gather up all these pictues and display them in various places around my house, so everywhere I look I get a smile. What I am NOT ABLE to do is exactly that.
Doesn't it suck when you have all these wonderful, wonderful pictures and you can't do anything with them?!
Errgh. I simply HAVE to figure something out!!

7 Things I Wish I Was

1. FEARLESS. I miss out on so many opportunities because I am afraid of what might happen. I am never the first one to put myself out there, and I rarely willingly do something that challenges me and pushes me to the limit. I want to be able to let go, to risk everything on the hope that I will gain everything and more back in return.

2. TALL. So many things are just so much easier for tall people. I don't mean average, 5'9 or 5'10. No, I want to be tall, model tall. I'm talking 6'1, 6'2-ish. Don't ask me why, I just have always wanted to be taller.

3. OUTGOING. I am so shy, and I absolutley hate it!!! I know it's a mind thing, if I would just stop worrying so much about what others could possibly think of me then I would be able to approach anybody. I know it holds me back, and I could meet so many new people if I would just let my shy-prone attitude go.

4. CONFIDENT. I have very low self-confidence, and it has proved to be a big barrier in my life. When I look in the mirror, it's a constant struggle between what I truly see and what my abusive mind tells me I see.

5. PATIENT. I have patience, but not enough of it. I want to be able to slow down my mind and let myself just wait and sieze the moment that I'm in, not worrying or awaiting anything in the future.

6. SELFLESS. I have several people in my life who completley sacrifice anything for themselves in order to bring a smile to someone else's face, and I look up to them immensly. I want to experience the rush of giving instead of getting, and I don't want to ever want for myself.

7. FILTHY RICH. I'm not greedy, but let's face it, money can do alot in this world. I have some big dreams, and I could help alot of people with that kind of money! ;)

you know better.

My heart is aching right now for the loss of a dear friend.
I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself, it's absolutley, positively STUPID, and not cool in the least. Don't you see that you're ruining your life? Your parents raised you better than this, I know because I saw everytime I would go over to your house as a little girl. You are a BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS, TALENTED, & WONDERFUL work of God that deserves better for herself. YOU deserve to grow older and share your talents and beauty and warmth with the world, but that's never going to happen unless you step off the road you're currently on. There is no judging going on here, just one friend deeply caring about another one, and wanting her to save herself before her life takes a terrible tun, which is exactly where it's headed. I am sick about this! Look to healthy, productive ways to relax, change, or make yourself feel better. Pray, seek counseling, or journal, anything but what you're doing, because you know that doesn't help in the long run. Please, please, PLEASE don't forget what we've learned all our lives, because I don't think I could bear seeing you any worse.

"If you've got friends like mine, raise your glass. If you don't, raise your standards."

[Title borrowed from the one & only Lindsey Robinson. :)]

Salute to Friends:
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

You've all been there. You've seen me cry, seen me shake with anger, and seen me smiling at my happiest. The difference between you and everyone else is that you stay with me after the tears, you calm me during the fury, and you come back even when the happiness is over. You all are my sisters. You are all lovely, fantastic, inspiring women of God and I admire each and every one of you. I am undeniably, indescribably, unworthily blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.

D- I have never met someone who makes me feel as at ease and comfortable with myself as you do. You make me laugh like no other, and I often forget that I just met you; it feels like I've grown up with you my whole life.
S- You are still the person I consider to be my original second sister. We've known each other for so long that nothing has to be faked, forced, or pretended. You're real with me and everything just works in our friendship. I've been so lucky to have you all these years.
L- I learn so much and grow so much as a person when I'm around you. You have an outgoing, contagious personality that makes me smile. I will cherish our talks, our laughs, and our hilarious pictures forever.
E- Everytime I'm with you, we make a fabulous memory. Our nicknames, pictures, wall posts and poke wars make my day everytime I think about them. You're so creative and I love doing interesting, different things with you!
T- I really should just ask you to live at my house, you're there so much! I guess that's why we gave you your own room...You are so silly sometimes, and I love that about you. I always know that I can call or text you whenever I need to talk, and you're caring personality always makes me feel better.
C- You're so amazingly sweet and I have to say, I love your laugh. Our videos make me laugh so hard I can barely breathe, and I hope we get to make more in the future, because I've been really missing you. :(
H- I adore talking with you about things that are important to us at the time, because I feel like we both are sort of at the same place in life right now. You understand me really well, and I know you're really listening when I talk to you. I also love taking pictures with you, your camera is amazing!

These just happen to be the friends that I thought about today, I love all of you other girls who make my life sweeter as well. :)

it's the stress of it all.

It's summer. The time of the year that is supposed to be carefree, relaxing, and just plain f u n .
So why am I so stressed out?

It could be my summer schedule:
-Summer League
-VBS
-New Orleans
-Pine Cove
-Africa
-Las Vegas
-Beach
-Pre-season (?)

I have NO DOWN TIME. It's crazy, this is the busiest summer I've ever had. But I don't mind being super busy; I actually kind of like it. So what's the cause of all this stress?
Could it be the fact that I still have school responsibilities over the summer? I do have to read and annotate two impossibly boring books before I go back to school in the fall, and I cannot bring myself to start either of them. I think that summer reading could quite possibly be the most aggravating thing I have ever encountered. I just have one question for the teachers: WHY???!

It might be the work, it miiiight be the schedule, but neither of those seem exactly right.The thing is, try as I might, I can't put my finger on exactly what's stressing me out, which causes me to stress more. It's one of those terrible cycles.

I hope I can figure out what's bothering me before the summer's gone. I'll cross my fingers.

hard to handle.

Today, I made plans for tomorrow with some of my best friends in the world, so I was happy and excited...
and then I logged on Facebook.
And saw the pictures.
And once again, that feeling of excitement was drained and replaced by feeling a little,
just a little,
okay, A LOT,
left out.

and i had the best day with you, today.

So my best friend Delany invites me to go rock-climbing at Enchanted Rock with her, her brother, her sister, and their friends. I figured, "Oh, I've climbed Enchanted Rock before. It'll be nice. Relaxing, even."
What she failed to tell me was that we would also be conquering the caves that run along the northeast side of the mountain. These caves, my friends, are NOT normal caves. The people in my group that had climbed them before warned me that if I was closterphobic, I should really re-think attempting the climb. Up until today, I didn't think I was closterphobic in the least. Boy, was I wrong...
So we get inside the teeny-tiny cave opening. It's pitch black, cold, damp, and there's unknown bugs and other creatures EVERYWHERE. As soon as I got all the way in, I wanted to turn around and go back, but I couldn't, because once you get in, the only way out is to climb the entire thing and come through the other side. I started panicking and all I could think about was how scary the rest of the climb was going to be. The cave was so narrow, low-ceilinged, sloped, and slippery that every step was treacherous. Since there was no light, we had to feel our way through the cave with our feet, and if you couldn't find a foothold, you'd better hope that there was someone strong behind you to help you out. There was one section where the only thing there was to crawl on was a piece of rock that was so sloped it was almost straight up in the air, and it was wet and completley flat with no ledges, which made it almost impossible to get across. While crossing this, my foot slipped and I was sliding a pit that was deeper than I am tall, and a guy in our group grabbed my wrist and pull me back up. I scraped almost every piece of skin on the front of my body, but I'd never been so grateful to anyone in my life!
Most of the cave was just one tunnel, but about 3/4 of the way down it split into two separate sections. If you continued going straight, it would be the same type of climbing we had been doing the whole time. If you turned left, you would enter what was called "The Coffin Crawl" or "The Death Crawl". You basically had to lie flat on your back and slide your way, in the dark, through a very narrow tunnel of two rocks. Being with daredevil Delany, we chose to do the coffin passage, of course. There was one section of it that was so tight, my nose scraped against the ceiling, and my entire back was scratched, matching my front from earlier. I felt like I was about to pass out, throw up, scream, cry, and die all at the same time, and it was the most terrifying thing I have ever done in my entire life. Once, I put my hand on the wall to grip something, and it happened to be placed exactly on top of a Daddylonglegs nest. The disgusting spiders danced all up my arm and I literally had to choke myself to keep from screaming. When we finally got out, I had never before been so happy to see sunlight. It was by far the most challenging, difficult, and dangerous thing I'd ever done, but I'm so glad I did it. I feel so unbelievably proud of myself, prouder than I've ever felt before, and now I am able to say that I braved the caves and conquered them. I am so glad I went with Delany, because today was a life-changing moment!

.

I love you, don't you see

You stole my heart in 1-2-3

I love you, yes it's true

You stole my heart

And I'm gonna steal yours too.

(((Little and Ashley)))