"Sometimes you've got to learn to love what's good for you."

About Me

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"In the end, it doesn't matter how many breaths you took but how many moments took your breath away."

empire state of mind.

empire state of mind.

i'll remember these times

i'll remember these times

embrace it all

embrace it all

my little furry buddha

my little furry buddha
Proverbs 31:30
Jeremiah 29:11
Romans 9:25


thugz ferr lyfeee

thugz ferr lyfeee

fearfully and wonderfully made

fearfully and wonderfully made

Total Blogviews

free falling

free falling

such a tourist

such a tourist

live well, laugh often.

live well, laugh often.

oh heyyy spanish.

oh heyyy spanish.

ain't no sunshine when you're gone.

ain't no sunshine when you're gone.

shorrrty.

shorrrty.

oh, how i love us.

oh, how i love us.

i love lindsey!

i love lindsey!

dreamland.

dreamland.

rocket launcher, best friend

rocket launcher, best friend

somewhere beyond the sea

somewhere beyond the sea

there's no "i" in team...but there's an "i" in WIN!

there's no "i" in team...but there's an "i" in WIN!

the price of beauty.

the price of beauty.

you're my cuppycake.

you're my cuppycake.

this is what good times look like.

this is what good times look like.

catybug

catybug

out where the sun shines.

out where the sun shines.

sweet like key lime pie.

sweet like key lime pie.

bus rides are the bombb.

bus rides are the bombb.

all that i'm after is a life full of laughter.

all that i'm after is a life full of laughter.

i absolutley adore you

i absolutley adore you

y e s .

y e s .

our sunday best.

our sunday best.

let's be friends when we're all old.

let's be friends when we're all old.

forever & always

forever & always

the two musketeers.

the two musketeers.

lovely ladies

lovely ladies

whata doll.

whata doll.

things go swimmingly

things go swimmingly

unbreakable.

unbreakable.

It's A Wonderful Life

It's A Wonderful Life

let's hear it for the girls

let's hear it for the girls

"We, we don't, we don't sweat we glisten 'cause we're women, say it, say it, say it."

"We, we don't, we don't sweat we glisten 'cause we're women, say it, say it, say it."

around the campfire.

around the campfire.

like cats and dogs.

like cats and dogs.

Hun er min skinnende stjerne .

Hun er min skinnende stjerne .

seester frannnd.

seester frannnd.

check us out.

check us out.

Pine Cove is where it's at.

Pine Cove is where it's at.

i [heart] awkward pictures.

i [heart] awkward pictures.

your love is strong.

your love is strong.

i'm alive again.

i'm alive again.
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oh glorious day.

oh glorious day.

some memories are just perfect.

some memories are just perfect.

this is how we do it.

this is how we do it.

lover boy.

lover boy.

sit back and wade through the daylight.

sit back and wade through the daylight.

Wrap You Up & Take You Home.

Wrap You Up & Take You Home.

To See You Smile...

To See You Smile...

we're totes adorb.

we're totes adorb.

you bring out the weirdest in me.

you bring out the weirdest in me.

Friday, December 24, 2010

this day.

this day.
this one day, when cheesy carols are dancing through our ears every minute,
when lights are kept on all night,
when fights are forgotten and all is forgiven,
when traditions are upheld no matter the situation,
when everyone sits down at the dinner table and the voices in the room don't come from the tv,
when calories and meal plans and healthy eating doesn't matter,
when new, soft, warm pajamas are given and laughed about,
when staying home with the family is more desirable than going out with friends,
when it's cold outside but warm everywhere else, from the living room with a fire to a stomach full of hot chocolate,
when everything slows and is such a perfect kind of peace that you wish it could stay like that forever,
that is the holidays, and that is when i am most happy.

that's when i feel infinite.

Friday, November 26, 2010

lost in translation.

I just realized that I didn't watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" this Thanksgiving. I've never missed it before...my childhood is dying. :(

Thursday, November 25, 2010

where the road meets the sun.

It's Thanksgiving, and man, my house smells like what I imagine Heaven will smell like. My grandparents, parents, sister, and a cousin are sitting in my living room right now, and I have been slowly realizing that there is no place I'd rather be. I love my home, my family, our traditions, and the little tweaks and quirks that sometimes get on each others' nerves but more often make each other smile. This holiday truly is about family, and togetherness, and thankfulness, and that has been something I've really needed lately. I've been struggling with some things, but this holiday season is just what it will take for me to let it all go and just let myself be blessed by what those closest to me have to give.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go be a part of the family time that is happening in my living room. :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

life ain't always beautiful.

These past couple of months, I've had to make some hard decisions.
Do I quit volleyball?
Do I continue to put on a happy face around a certain someone and pretend like their habits don't annoy me beyond belief?
Do I let people take advantage of me because I can always be counted on to do my homework?
Do I give in to the things i have been working so hard on to avoid?
Do I let myself fall back into the destructive grip of jealousy?
Do I attempt to salvage the scrap of faith in God I have left?
My answers have been simple, but not easily attainable.
Yes, I am quitting volleyball. It is not something that is right for me at this time in my life and although it is sad, I hope my teammates respect that and realize that I'm not changing my mind.
No, I will not pretend or be fake. I'm going to start distancing myself from this person, because it can only get nasty.
No, I refuse to be walked all over. My classmates need to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions. I work way too hard to let others get the credit.
No, I will stay strong and look at the big picture. This fleeting happiness here doesn't last, but looking back and seeing how long I've gone without giving in to temptation will be so incredibly rewarding.
No, I will constantly remind myself that "Comparison is the thief of joy." I've finally gotten to a place where I am okay with who I am, and I'm not going to throw that all away.
Yes, I need to make a conscious effort to repair my relationship with the Lord. In fact, I feel like I need to start all over. I'm going back to the basics: Lord, I recognize that I need You, and that whatever I'm doing on my own is not working.

Monday, November 15, 2010

11/15/10.

I just want to completely erase this day from existence.
I am so embarrassed.

Monday, November 8, 2010

i've become one of them.

...one of those girls.
you know, the ones who are obsessed with a certain someone named Justin Bieber.
Take a look at my playlist, and then listen to alllllll the songs on it. Every last one of them.
You'll be hooked too! :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

crazy.

A friend drove me home today. As in, it was only her and i in her car. As in, we were DRIVING without a parent constantly reminding her to speed up, slow down, put on her blinker or come to a complete stop. I couldn't help feeling so unbelievably cool, and then I realized,
this is going to be me soon. By soon of course I mean in several months, but soon enough. I can't believe that the years have flown by the way they have. In my chemistry class, we had a substitute that was a retired middle school teacher and I could swear that I recognized him, and I realized that he was my homeroom teacher in 7th grade. That was three years ago! It seemed like last week!
Also, I can't believe that my VERY LAST VOLLEYBALL GAME is coming up. Next Tuesday will be the last time I step on the court as a part of the Champion volleyball team, or as a part of any team at all. Volleyball has been what I've been a part for years now, and I know that I will be a little lost without it for a while, but I am confident that I will find my path. Although I will dearly miss volleyball, I know that in order to prepare myself for what I plan on doing in college, I simply have to cut it out of my schedule. I think the thing I will miss the most will be spending time with the girls on my team who I have gotten to know better and really love!
What I'm getting at, is that it is crazy how fast everything moves. I find myself nervous and anxious for the future, but I can't wait to find out what this world has in store for me.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Kingdom Come.

"For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

Sunday, September 26, 2010

uninspired.

grumpy. tired. stressed. sick of you, you, and you.
and why, why, WHY can i not think of anything to write?

Friday, September 10, 2010

these are a few of my favorite things.

My favorite thing is when I wake up and realize that the sun has just started to come up, and I get to watch the sunrise.
My favorite thing is when I go downstairs and my mom has made me the best breakfast I could ask for, without me even asking.
My favorite thing is doing my hair and having it work out exactly how I wanted it, the first time I try.
My favorite thing is when my sister asks me for help picking out an outfit, and when she puts it on, seeing her finally smile.
My favorite thing is when I get to school and am greeted with a hug.
My favorite thing is when my photography teacher praises my work and wants to see more.
My favorite thing is getting back a test that I was nervous about and making a really good grade.
My favorite thing is sitting at lunch, looking around, and realizing that there is no one else I would rather sit with, because the girls around me are already my best friends.
My favorite thing is having only three periods per day, because volleyball doesn't count.
My favorite thing is doing something good in volleyball and getting a little bit of a confidence boost.
My favorite thing is having a study group with two close friends that ends up being "girl bonding time."
My favorite thing is coming home and not having any homework that needs to be done.
My favorite thing is going outside with a TeenVogue and sitting in the hammock.
My favorite thing is eating dinner as a family around the rarely-used kitchen table.
My favorite thing is laughing my head off at the new episode of The Office.
My favorite thing is taking a shower and automatically "washing off" the day, but then realizing that it was a great day and doesn't need "washing off."
My favorite thing is falling right asleep as I lay down, and not waking up all night.
My favorite thing is feeling so grateful for everything I've been blessed with, and hoping that I realize it more often.

for the first time.

Last night, for the first time since I've been home, I cried for Africa.
When I left, I didn't actually think I would miss it; I thought I would enjoy having everything here that I didn't have there, but I would give up all of this if I could go back to Uganda right now.

I'm starting to think that decorating my binder with pictures of Africa wasn't the greatest idea, because now I'm reminded of how much I wish I was there everytime I see it. :(

I miss Violet and Brian so much.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Sophomore.

Goals for my tenth-grade year:

1. Get my priorities in order. It's time for me to take a step back and take a long, hard look at what's really important in my life. I've spent way too long focusing on things that either hurt me, disappoint me, or leave me when they get used up. I know the things that are important, now I just need the will to stick with them.

2. Get it done, and get it done right. Whatever I do, whenever I do it. It may be an essay, it may be a volleyball practice. Regardless if it is something I like to do or not, I need to complete it to the best of my ability, every time.

3. Have a better attitude. Basically about everything. I have proven to myself that having a good attitude improves every situation countless times, and yet I still struggle with negativity.

4. Be bolder. My timidness has gotten me almost nowhere, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm never heard. I know it has alot to do with my confidence level, but I want to be known as someone other than "Lainey's sister." I don't want to be an afterthought any more!

5. Make a new friend. I stepped out of my comfort zone and got to know a new girl freshman year, and she is now my best friend!

6. Take personal responsibility. It's up to me and only me to make this year my best yet. I need to quit blaming others for my mistakes and accept that I can't have it all together all the time.

7. Stop trying to mold myself into a way that seems to be what others want. This is such a hard one, because I have struggled for so long with not feeling funny enough or talkative enough, and that makes me feel like I'm not liked enough. But even when I fake it, everyone can tell, and it doesn't make me feel any better. It's time to be myself, and I think I will really find out who my real friends are by doing this. There is one friend in particular that has given me the strength to commit to this, because she has told me more than once that my quiet, reserved, and slightly sarcastic personality is exactly what she loves so much about me. That was just the push I needed, to know that there are people out there who will appreciate me for who I am, not who I pretend to be.

8. Volleyball. I'm not 100 percent sure what my goal for this is, I just know that something needs to change.

9. Get a "body-image booster". Find a new look, a haircut, an outfit, or a makeup trick that bumps up my self-esteem and makes me feel better about myself, if only for a short time. I read this in a magazine, and it said that girls who experiment and find something that makes them like what they see in the mirror have a better day overall. It's definitley worth a try.

10. Live fully, faithfully, and fantastically. I want to do things that are out of my comfort zone and push myself to a level that I've never been to before, in the hopes of having an experience that is memorable beyond belief. I want to take my life from my own hands and place in the Lord's. There is no way that I am going to be able to make it through without His guidance, I've tried and failed too many times. I'm still going to mess up, and I'll probably have to renew my faith again and again and again this year, but each time brings me closer to where I long to be. The thing is, I want to be real with my faith. I want people to see that I'm not perfect and I'm not "changed", but I'm trying. I don't want to be that girl who says the Lord is at work in her life and then does everything to prove it untrue. If I'm struggling with my faith, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not, and that's one of my biggest annoyances. Sorry guys, but you can't "change" from a week of camp!


Will I live up to these goals? Who knows, ask me again at the start of junior year.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My African Experience.

As you might have known, I just got back today from a 15-day long mission trip to Uganda, in Africa. It was exhausting, saddening, joyous, and incredible all rolled up into one. Going over there, I was expecting to have an immediate connection with the people of Africa. I thought that helping them was going to be my calling, and that if I experienced it firsthand, I would truly know for sure.
That didn't happen. The first night, I was laying in a hot, stuffy room, on a sheet that was scratchy and with my head on a pillowcase that smelled nothing like home. My body smelled like bug spray and the mosquito net around me that kept swishing across my cheek reminded me of how many diseases I could get even by just laying there. It was dark, I felt filthy, and the square window that was cut out of the wall had nothing on it to keep the night out. I was terrified, and all of the sudden I started to cry. I seriously couldn't help myself; I asked myself, out loud, "Why are you here?" The only place I wanted to be at that moment was home, in my cozy, safe bed in my cozy, safe house where I felt cozy and safe. I wished so badly that I hadn't made the decision to come on the trip, and I just wept because of it. As I thought more about why the heck I had wanted to come to such a horrible, uncomfortable place in the first place, I got really honest with myself- I was in major denial. I had told myself and others that I wanted to go and make a difference in someone's life, to give them hope and a way to push into the future. And I did want that, deep down. But on top of all that, the primary reason I had wanted to go to Africa so badly was so that I could say I've been to Africa. I would have bragging rights, people would be jealous and amazed and wish they could say the same. I would have something that most of my friends didn't, and I could wave it in their faces. (Reading over this, that sounds so selfish! So much more than when I was thinking it in my head..) I knew that that reason would never work with my mom, so I pushed it out of the way and hid it, pretending that I wanted to go purely out of the goodness of my heart. Laying there in a strange bed in a strange country that first night, I realized that having "bragging rights" was not worth it. I just wanted to go home.
As the trip went on, I got more comfortable and started to really enjoy Africa. Of course, there were times on the trip where I was really homesick and longed to be able to enjoy the luxuries of what I had at home, but the good was outweighing the bad. I was developing relationships with the kids, I was familiar with the smells and sights and sounds of Iganga, the town we were in for most of the trip, and I was sleeping easier. But something was still missing- As each day passed, I wasn't getting that "Aha! This is what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life!" moment. Many of the others on the trip seemed to have a real heart for what they were doing; it was truly their calling, and for some reason I needed it to be mine too, but it wasn't! Each day I kept getting more frustrated, and on the tenth day we were in Uganda, the Lord revealed to me where my true heart lies- In Russia. (Bear with me, I know this sounds a little weird!)
Truly, as I looked out the window of our bus, and saw the busy streets of Iganga, it was like the world I was looking at was transformed. I was no longer in Africa, but instead I was in Russia, on a snow-covered street, helping the orphaned children who were freezing to death in the snow. I literally knew in that moment that those were the people I was created to help. I told my mom about this, and she agreed that we should start planning a mission trip to Russia in a year or two, when I could go by myself. This was probably the biggest realization and encounter with God of my life, and it never would've happened if I didn't visit Africa!
Now, don't get me wrong, I loved being able to help those people, and bringing a smile to their faces was definitley worthwhile. I would for sure want to come back to Africa again, but I now know that it is not my calling to serve there. It was an awesome experience and I have loads of stories and memories to share from it, and I feel extremely blessed and grateful that I was able to go and hope to return in the future!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

oh no no no.

I AM SO MAD.
This stupid Blogger template designer screwed up my whole blog! I HATE the way it looks, and it won't let me go back to how it used to be! WHAT THE HECK.
I absolutely positively want my old layout back, and I'm beyond angry.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

keep on rollin'.

Lainey and I got our permits today. Milestones, milestones. I don't even feel old enough to drive; when I see others driving, I feel like they look so much older, and I, well, don't. I guess I never thought that the day would actually come where I was handed the keys and told, "Alright, take us home." I think I was unconciously living in some world where I didn't grow up, and so today came as a big shock to me. I can't even imagine myself driving, it seems like something I'd never get to do. Like something on the horizon, where I can see it, but never get close enough to reach out and grab it, untill suddenly today I'm fifteen and going in to take the driving test and walking out with a permit and sitting in the drivers' seat and putting the car in drive and checking the mirrors and....
Wow. This milestone is huge, and I can only imagine what others are to come. I think realizing that I'm old to enough to drive has given me a wake-up call- I'm growing up, and it's time to stop denying that I will be the stress-free, un-troubled little girl that I was in my childhood ever again.
To close, I'll just give you all a fair warning- Watch out for me on the road. ;)


(I'm not kidding I'm a terrible driver!)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

"If I had a thousand lives, I'd live them all for Africa."
--Hudson Taylor

J o y.
Unexplainable, all-encompassing, came-out-of-nowhere joy fills me tonight as I imagine where I'll be in only sixteen days. I will be in Africa! Africa! I almost can't believe it! I think that for the first time, the fact of it all has hit me. And, also for the first time, my fears and worries and nerves and doubts are melting away, and all I am left with is an uncontrollable desire to go and serve and reach out to people and be changed in a way that I thought I'd never get to experience. I can't think about anything else these days, all of my thoughts have been going directly to the people of Uganda and how they and I both will be forever changed. My wishful thinking about Africa has even been clouding out my excitement about Pine Cove, which happens first, and that is not easy to do. I feel like there is no better time for me to go to Uganda than right after camp, which fills me with the spirit of the Lord and refreshes and renews my faith even stronger every year. I am so glad that I'll be able to go over to Africa with my heart in the right place.
If you're reading this blog and you've noticed that many of the recent posts have been about Africa, it's only because it is the biggest thing going on in my life right now, the biggest and craziest adventure I've ever been able to take. If I have this much emotion 2 weeks before the trip, I can only imagine what I'm going to be like when actually traveling!
To wrap up this post, I will ask you all to pray for me and my team not only while we're there (July 28-August 11) but also before we go, so that we will be able to go with a big group of people supporting us through their prayers. I have been wanting to go to Africa so badly for so long, and I never ever ever expected to actually be able to go, but that just shows you the power of patience and trusting in God to get the timing right! I will cherish this trip for the rest of my life, and I can't wait to see where else the Lord takes me!

"Christ alone can save the world, but Christ cannot save the world alone." --David Livingston
"I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light" --John Keith Falconer
"Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell; I wish to run a rescue mission within a yard of hell."--C.T. Studd
"Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God"--William Carey
"Lost people matter to God, and so they must matter to us."--Keith Wright
"Let my heart be broken with the things that break God's heart"--Bob Pierce


Friday, July 9, 2010

Don't You Just Hate That...

-based on the book by Scott Cohen-
Sitting down, getting comfortable and ready to watch TV and realizing that you left the remote in the kitchen.
Realizing that you're wrong after you've been arguing to prove that you're right.
People who always have food on their faces.
When someone eats the most disgusting thing you can think of right in front of you.
Singing loudly enough in the shower so that you can hear yourself and realizing after you get out that everyone else in the house could hear you too.
People who are always always ALWAYS several hours late.
Having to share your best friend with someone else.
Not liking the present you got from the person who normally gives THE BEST presents.
When you find yourself talking to someone who's not listening.
People who are hard of hearing and ask "What?" over and over again.
Being so excited for something and then it doesn't happen.
Awkward silences with people you shouldn't feel awkward with.
Biting into a piece of fruit that looks ripe but is rock hard.
A slow driver in front of you when you're already late.
Hitting a body part that already has a bruise on it.
When your feet fall asleep.
Raising your hand to ask a question and having the teacher begin to walk over, and then 3 more people between you and the teacher raise their hands, and she stops to help them first.
Laughing at something for waaaay too long, and people start to look at you like you're embarrassing yourself, which you are.
Really enjoying a song and then someone starts asking you questions in the middle of it.
When someone stands right in front of the TV while you're watching it.
When someone starts a sentence and then never finishes it.
Organizing something, walking away, and then coming back to find it completly messed up.
When the maid moves your stuff from the place you like it to the place she thinks is best.
Elderly people who shove past you or walk so slow and don't let you pass them.
Peopleee whoo tyyppeee likeee thisssssss, all the time.
Thinking that you smell what you're craving for dinner, then coming downstairs to find that it's not at all what you wanted.
People who don't see how lucky they are.
Men who boss their wives around in public.
When someone hurts your feelings, and then tries to cover it up by saying "Just kidding".
Knowing what you want to say, sitting down with the person you want to say it to, and then not being able to say it.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

the countdown begins.

TEN DAYS till Pine Cove.
TWENTY DAYS till Africa.

ohmygosh.
I still can't believe it's snuck up on me so fast, it seems like yesterday I was sitting in Mrs. Burton's English class, daydreaming about summer.

I AM GOING TO GET TO GO TO A DIFFERENT CONTINENT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!
As the date gets closer, my nerves are being covered up by pure excitement. I am SO looking forward to this trip!!

But....I still have Pine Cove before Africa, and I'm excited for that too. I just hope that my anticipation and excitement about Africa doesn't consume my every thought while I'm at PC, because I want to be able to be in the moment and get the most out of this year at camp.
But I'm just so excited. :)

Friday, July 2, 2010

how i hate being sick.

Sore throat. Achy everywhere. Chills and a fever. Constant headache. No appetite. Too tired to do anything but lay on the couch or sit at the computer.

Count yourselves lucky.

Monday, June 28, 2010

errgh.

Looking through pictures on my computer & on Facebook today, I found so many photographs that I had forgotten existed! Along with bringing back memories, laughs, and "oh-my-gosh's", these photos also conjured up the all too familiar feeling of "wanting, but not being able to." What I WANT to do is gather up all these pictues and display them in various places around my house, so everywhere I look I get a smile. What I am NOT ABLE to do is exactly that.
Doesn't it suck when you have all these wonderful, wonderful pictures and you can't do anything with them?!
Errgh. I simply HAVE to figure something out!!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

7 Things I Wish I Was

1. FEARLESS. I miss out on so many opportunities because I am afraid of what might happen. I am never the first one to put myself out there, and I rarely willingly do something that challenges me and pushes me to the limit. I want to be able to let go, to risk everything on the hope that I will gain everything and more back in return.

2. TALL. So many things are just so much easier for tall people. I don't mean average, 5'9 or 5'10. No, I want to be tall, model tall. I'm talking 6'1, 6'2-ish. Don't ask me why, I just have always wanted to be taller.

3. OUTGOING. I am so shy, and I absolutley hate it!!! I know it's a mind thing, if I would just stop worrying so much about what others could possibly think of me then I would be able to approach anybody. I know it holds me back, and I could meet so many new people if I would just let my shy-prone attitude go.

4. CONFIDENT. I have very low self-confidence, and it has proved to be a big barrier in my life. When I look in the mirror, it's a constant struggle between what I truly see and what my abusive mind tells me I see.

5. PATIENT. I have patience, but not enough of it. I want to be able to slow down my mind and let myself just wait and sieze the moment that I'm in, not worrying or awaiting anything in the future.

6. SELFLESS. I have several people in my life who completley sacrifice anything for themselves in order to bring a smile to someone else's face, and I look up to them immensly. I want to experience the rush of giving instead of getting, and I don't want to ever want for myself.

7. FILTHY RICH. I'm not greedy, but let's face it, money can do alot in this world. I have some big dreams, and I could help alot of people with that kind of money! ;)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

you know better.

My heart is aching right now for the loss of a dear friend.
I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself, it's absolutley, positively STUPID, and not cool in the least. Don't you see that you're ruining your life? Your parents raised you better than this, I know because I saw everytime I would go over to your house as a little girl. You are a BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS, TALENTED, & WONDERFUL work of God that deserves better for herself. YOU deserve to grow older and share your talents and beauty and warmth with the world, but that's never going to happen unless you step off the road you're currently on. There is no judging going on here, just one friend deeply caring about another one, and wanting her to save herself before her life takes a terrible tun, which is exactly where it's headed. I am sick about this! Look to healthy, productive ways to relax, change, or make yourself feel better. Pray, seek counseling, or journal, anything but what you're doing, because you know that doesn't help in the long run. Please, please, PLEASE don't forget what we've learned all our lives, because I don't think I could bear seeing you any worse.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

"If you've got friends like mine, raise your glass. If you don't, raise your standards."

[Title borrowed from the one & only Lindsey Robinson. :)]

Salute to Friends:
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

You've all been there. You've seen me cry, seen me shake with anger, and seen me smiling at my happiest. The difference between you and everyone else is that you stay with me after the tears, you calm me during the fury, and you come back even when the happiness is over. You all are my sisters. You are all lovely, fantastic, inspiring women of God and I admire each and every one of you. I am undeniably, indescribably, unworthily blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.

D- I have never met someone who makes me feel as at ease and comfortable with myself as you do. You make me laugh like no other, and I often forget that I just met you; it feels like I've grown up with you my whole life.
S- You are still the person I consider to be my original second sister. We've known each other for so long that nothing has to be faked, forced, or pretended. You're real with me and everything just works in our friendship. I've been so lucky to have you all these years.
L- I learn so much and grow so much as a person when I'm around you. You have an outgoing, contagious personality that makes me smile. I will cherish our talks, our laughs, and our hilarious pictures forever.
E- Everytime I'm with you, we make a fabulous memory. Our nicknames, pictures, wall posts and poke wars make my day everytime I think about them. You're so creative and I love doing interesting, different things with you!
T- I really should just ask you to live at my house, you're there so much! I guess that's why we gave you your own room...You are so silly sometimes, and I love that about you. I always know that I can call or text you whenever I need to talk, and you're caring personality always makes me feel better.
C- You're so amazingly sweet and I have to say, I love your laugh. Our videos make me laugh so hard I can barely breathe, and I hope we get to make more in the future, because I've been really missing you. :(
H- I adore talking with you about things that are important to us at the time, because I feel like we both are sort of at the same place in life right now. You understand me really well, and I know you're really listening when I talk to you. I also love taking pictures with you, your camera is amazing!

These just happen to be the friends that I thought about today, I love all of you other girls who make my life sweeter as well. :)

Monday, June 14, 2010

it's the stress of it all.

It's summer. The time of the year that is supposed to be carefree, relaxing, and just plain f u n .
So why am I so stressed out?

It could be my summer schedule:
-Summer League
-VBS
-New Orleans
-Pine Cove
-Africa
-Las Vegas
-Beach
-Pre-season (?)

I have NO DOWN TIME. It's crazy, this is the busiest summer I've ever had. But I don't mind being super busy; I actually kind of like it. So what's the cause of all this stress?
Could it be the fact that I still have school responsibilities over the summer? I do have to read and annotate two impossibly boring books before I go back to school in the fall, and I cannot bring myself to start either of them. I think that summer reading could quite possibly be the most aggravating thing I have ever encountered. I just have one question for the teachers: WHY???!

It might be the work, it miiiight be the schedule, but neither of those seem exactly right.The thing is, try as I might, I can't put my finger on exactly what's stressing me out, which causes me to stress more. It's one of those terrible cycles.

I hope I can figure out what's bothering me before the summer's gone. I'll cross my fingers.

Friday, June 11, 2010

hard to handle.

Today, I made plans for tomorrow with some of my best friends in the world, so I was happy and excited...
and then I logged on Facebook.
And saw the pictures.
And once again, that feeling of excitement was drained and replaced by feeling a little,
just a little,
okay, A LOT,
left out.

Friday, June 4, 2010

and i had the best day with you, today.

So my best friend Delany invites me to go rock-climbing at Enchanted Rock with her, her brother, her sister, and their friends. I figured, "Oh, I've climbed Enchanted Rock before. It'll be nice. Relaxing, even."
What she failed to tell me was that we would also be conquering the caves that run along the northeast side of the mountain. These caves, my friends, are NOT normal caves. The people in my group that had climbed them before warned me that if I was closterphobic, I should really re-think attempting the climb. Up until today, I didn't think I was closterphobic in the least. Boy, was I wrong...
So we get inside the teeny-tiny cave opening. It's pitch black, cold, damp, and there's unknown bugs and other creatures EVERYWHERE. As soon as I got all the way in, I wanted to turn around and go back, but I couldn't, because once you get in, the only way out is to climb the entire thing and come through the other side. I started panicking and all I could think about was how scary the rest of the climb was going to be. The cave was so narrow, low-ceilinged, sloped, and slippery that every step was treacherous. Since there was no light, we had to feel our way through the cave with our feet, and if you couldn't find a foothold, you'd better hope that there was someone strong behind you to help you out. There was one section where the only thing there was to crawl on was a piece of rock that was so sloped it was almost straight up in the air, and it was wet and completley flat with no ledges, which made it almost impossible to get across. While crossing this, my foot slipped and I was sliding a pit that was deeper than I am tall, and a guy in our group grabbed my wrist and pull me back up. I scraped almost every piece of skin on the front of my body, but I'd never been so grateful to anyone in my life!
Most of the cave was just one tunnel, but about 3/4 of the way down it split into two separate sections. If you continued going straight, it would be the same type of climbing we had been doing the whole time. If you turned left, you would enter what was called "The Coffin Crawl" or "The Death Crawl". You basically had to lie flat on your back and slide your way, in the dark, through a very narrow tunnel of two rocks. Being with daredevil Delany, we chose to do the coffin passage, of course. There was one section of it that was so tight, my nose scraped against the ceiling, and my entire back was scratched, matching my front from earlier. I felt like I was about to pass out, throw up, scream, cry, and die all at the same time, and it was the most terrifying thing I have ever done in my entire life. Once, I put my hand on the wall to grip something, and it happened to be placed exactly on top of a Daddylonglegs nest. The disgusting spiders danced all up my arm and I literally had to choke myself to keep from screaming. When we finally got out, I had never before been so happy to see sunlight. It was by far the most challenging, difficult, and dangerous thing I'd ever done, but I'm so glad I did it. I feel so unbelievably proud of myself, prouder than I've ever felt before, and now I am able to say that I braved the caves and conquered them. I am so glad I went with Delany, because today was a life-changing moment!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

.

I love you, don't you see
You stole my heart in 1-2-3
I love you, yes it's true
You stole my heart
And I'm gonna steal yours too.
(((Little and Ashley)))

Friday, May 28, 2010

gratitude.

Our freshman year is coming to a close. I almost cannot believe it.


Thank you Mrs. Burton & Mrs. Boyers, for proving to me that a teacher can actually talk to her students like they are her friends. My English and Math classes this year were so much more enjoyable because of you two. Ya'll have set the bar very high for next year's teachers!

Thank you Morgan, Elizabeth, Gabbie, Courtney, Claire, Ethan, and Ian, for making Mrs. Ray's art class actually tolerable. That last day was so fun, and so many memories will come out of that class.

Thank you Samantha, Delany, and Courtney, for separating Lainey and I when we got in an argument in Biology. Sorry we were so grumpy alot of the time. :\

Thank you Lindsey, Delany, and Kaitlyn, for being "outsiders" with me at the beginning of the year. :)

Thank you Caty-lin and Cienna, for cracking me up in English. You two are so funny together!

Thank you all and others for making my ninth grade year one of the best. I love you!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

truly, madly, deeply.

I have recently realized three things about my freshman year:
1. That it has been one of the most fun years of my life. I literally have laughed more, danced more, smiled more, hugged more, and loved more than I have in a long time. After the prison that was middle school, high school is like dying and going to Heaven.
2. That I have finally surrounded myself with a group of friends that mean more to me than I even realized I wanted them to. I literally could not have asked for a better bunch of girls to be brought into my life. I think I have finally found my "place" in the group- I'm not bouncing around trying to fit in everywhere. Every memory we make is a genuine one. I generally think that I am a happier person because of the memories of this year.
3. That pictures are pretty much the greatest things ever invented. Well, I knew that already, but these past few months have confirmed it. :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"As I Live and Breathe" by Sara Richardson

"I want to live
And be remembered by how I have lived.

I want to breathe
And never forget who has given me breath.

I want to sing
And refuse to be silenced.

I want to laugh
And truly feel it in my soul.

I want to cry
And always have someone to comfort me.

I want to love
And know that love is beaming right back.

I want to talk
And not be judged for the words of my mouth.

I want to dance
And never know what it feels like to have to stop."

-Sara Richardson<3

Friday, May 14, 2010

i'll be up up and away, up up and away.

New Obsession:
KID CUDI.

Pursuit of Happiness & Up Up & Away are freaking genius. His songs are like feel-good rap, which sounds really weird, but you just have to know what I'm talking about. :)

Anyways, I.Love.Him.!

t o n i g h t. oh yes, tonight.

Tonight, some of my closest friends are coming over! And we're going to Alamo Cafe! FINALLY!


So, I guess you could say that I'm pretty dang excited. :)

Friday, May 7, 2010

this is what faith can do.

beach trips.lollipops.photographs.laughter.handwriting.peach tea.favorite songs.camp.traveling.growing closer.angel food cake.secret handshakes.inside jokes.magazines.bathing suits.hot summer days.bear hugs.nail polish.sweet little notes.long lovely letters.good books.fun memories.promises.bonding.grocery shopping.dancing in your room.singing at the top of your lungs.smiling so much you look insane.winning a volleyball game.fabric.papermate mechanical pencils.compliments.shopping.all-nighters.colorful post-its.curli-cues.old pictures.nicknames.making up crazy dance moves.making a bad moment into a funny memory.bike riding.praising the Lord.ice cream.figuring something out.random trips to the mall.stupid faces.hiding from someone who turns out to see you anyways.getting that one text you've been waiting for.footprints.finger painting.alamo cafe.close friends.new friends.all friends.brown sugar cubes.cookie cones.sweet strawberries.sharing.feel good songs.blogging.flower picking.cooking.knotted bracelets.plane rides.practical jokes.signature poses.hawaiian punch.old war stories.loving life.sunsets.starry skies.coffee.weird noises.backrubs.cleaning up.muddy feet.hilarious dreams.suntans.sleeptalking.fresh perspectives.revelations.raspberries.friendship bracelets.moments that make you feel alive.white girls ghetto dancing.picnics.redecorating.splatter painting.braids.boots and dresses.a good plan working out to be an even greater one.green tea.clear skin.bright smiles.candid and laughing pictures.feeling beautiful.thumb rings.stick figures.jumping.discovering a new store or website.really getting into a tv show with your family.getting along.letting go.dogs.baby goats.favorite celebrities in a new movie.adorable outfits.long straight hair.sour candy.contests.being so scared but knowing that your best friend is scared right along beside you.getting the last word.photoshoots.being yourself and having it pay off.happiness.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

so this is it.

"hey now, this is my desire,

consume me like a fire,

i just want something beautiful."



asdfjkl; [writer's block, majorly.]





Monday, April 26, 2010

i wannnttt the beachhhhhh.

i have never, ever ever ever considered myself a beach type of person. I was always convinced that I loved the mountains, the cold, the snow.
Something changed.

ALLLLLL I can think about is how much I want to be at the beach! And although I would be eh, okay with a cruddy Texas beach, I LONG for Rosemary Beach in Florida. It is seriously the most relaxing place I think I've ever been to, and I seriously need that right now.

Goodness gracious, if I don't get some sun I think my pasty skin will start to blend in with the white walls of my room....

:/

If It Kills Me - Jason Mraz. look it up.

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours, on and
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

Well how long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Baby there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
It's a feeling inside that keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me

Thursday, April 15, 2010

i never thought i'd say that i love a jonas brother

but now i officially can. Ever since Nick broke out on his own, there have been song after song after song pouring out of him that are not only beautiful, but easy to sing and hum along to. He seriously reminds me of a young John Mayer. I wish that he hadn't started out as part of the JoBros because I feel like now alot of people have labeled him for doing only that particular type of cheesy, mega-pop stuff, and he on his own is so much better than that! Here are some of my favorite lyrics...

Give Love a Try:

You are like driving on a Sunday
You are like taking off on Monday
You, oh you, you're a dream come true.

And you can think that I'm a fool for falling over you
But tell me what can I do to prove to you
That it's not that hard to do?


Olive & An Arrow:

It's an olive,
And an arrow in the back
You leave me breathless
It's what keeps me coming back.



Keeeeeeep it up, Nick! :)

<3

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

for the right reasons.

Ealier this week in Kerville, there was a brutal car crash that killed four teen boys, some of which went to my high school. They were only sophomores, and it is a terrible, awful tragedy.
Although I am extremeley sad by what happened, and I feel deeply for their families, I am not going to pretend like I knew them and loved them, and now am depressed by their death, which would not be accurate. I didn't know any of them, so I'm not going to pretend like I did, which is what I see so many of my classmates doing. As I was looking through Facebook, I saw so many statuses saying things like "Wear blue tomorow in honor of R. K. M. M.". This would be coming from a seventh or eighth grader who I'm pretty sure has never met any of the guys in their life. The library at my school is open only for grief counseling right now, and so many students are simply going in there to "skip class". I'm not saying that you had to know them to show your respect for them, but don't you think it shows more respect to let the people who truly knew them to have their time to grieve? If you're "grieving" for the wrong reasons, re-think, because the people who were truly impacted by this tragedy need some room. If you're getting counseled but you didn't really even know who the boys were, you're just doing it because everyone else is, you look fakey, and everyone can tell. You're also being extremely disrespectful if you're using their deaths as an excuse to get out of class. Think about that before you "wear blue". Are you doing it for the right reasons? Or because everybody else is?

Monday, April 5, 2010

figuring things out.

1. I love you. I can't stand you. You make me so mad and fill me with so much happiness all at the same time. I don't get you, I'll never get you, but I want to understand you.

2. You're there for me, you'll always be there, but I'm beginning to question whether or not that's a good thing.

3. YOU'VE SAVED ME. Without you, I'd be in a mass of salty tears right now. I'd be clinging to past memories to fill my heart, but with you, I make new ones. I simply don't know where I'd be without you.

4. You confuse me. I think we're all good, and then I'm questioning where we stand.

5. I hate that you hate me. I wish it were different, but whatever.

6. I know that you are going to be in my life for quite some time, and I can't decide if I'm alright with that.

7. I hope that someday you will find someone that will make you happy, because right now it kills me to see you in the situation you're in. I can't do anything about it, and I'm heartbroken for you.

8. You live off of fruits and vegetables, and it's making me sick. I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know how to get through to you. I don't know if I'm supposed to help you or ignore the problem. But I just need to tell you, you're killing yourself, and taking my spirit down in the process.

9. You make me feel like the most special girl in the world. I love talking to you, and none of my friends even know who you are yet!

10. I can't stop staring at you. Please, I'm begging you, go to a different youth so I can focus!

11. People talk about you, but I'm not one to judge. I hope you someday stand up for yourself instead of just silently taking the crap that people throw at you.

12. I am unbelievably jealous of you. Let's leave it at that.

13. I want to give you a hug, because you seem so alone.

14. You wear these...shoes. And I want to rip them off your feet. Seriously, they're the only things I can concentrate on in class, and they make my eyes bleed. Not that I'd ever tell you that...

15. I simply cannot figure you out! Where are your values? What did you grow up hearing from your parents? Do you even know the difference between right and wrong?

16. I am (to quote Twilight) DAZZLED by you. You you you you you, but it's all physical. Inside, you've got a heart of stone and a mouth dirtier than mud.

17. I feel for you. It breaks my heart to see someone with your potential throwing it all away. I wish you knew how much we all care!

18. You, reading this. Yes you. No, I will NOT tell you who any of these people are. Learn to live with it. :)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

ahhh, it's another quote post. :)

I seem to find an endless supply of quotes that I can't get enough of. There's too many to put on my mirror, but I don't want to let them go to waste, so here's yet another blog post entirely made up of fabulous quotes. :)



"I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer." ~ Colette, French writer

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed." ~ Storm Jameson

"Whoever is happy will make others happy." ~ Anne Frank

"The best way to succeed is to discover what you love and find a way to offer it to others." ~ Oprah

"Warriors take chances. Like everyone else, they fear failing,but they refuse to let fear control them." ~ Japanese Proverb

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside of us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our touch, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." ~ E. E. Cummings

"Gratitude will bring more into our lives immediately." ~ The Secret

"Unless we change directions, we are likely to end up where we are going." ~ Chinese Proverb

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." ~ Gandhi

"I'm so astonished at God's love, and I want to be captured by it and invite others into that process with me. God is good, and I want to celebrate His goodness, even in the midst of the confusion and difficulties of life and unanswerable questions." ~ Steven Curtis Chapman

"Dream no small dreams; for these have no power to move the hearts of men." ~ Goethe

Sunday, March 21, 2010

yo tengo grande problemo.

Jealousy is a nasty thing,
and it's eating me alive.

I try not to be discouraged by other people's accomplishments, looks, grades, ect., but it just gets to you sometimes. I do realize that everyone is made differently and everyone is beautiful, smart, and talented in their own ways, and I have my ways, but I can't help wishing, "Why can't I look like her? Why can't I be like them? What am I doing wrong?"
It is so easy to fall into the jealousy trap, as I've realized these past few days. I went through this majorlyonce before, and I got over it, reminding myself everyday of my accomplishments, my favorite features, and my talents. I slowly moved through wanting to be like someone else, and I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin, more comfortable with what I can do. But then, I stopped telling myself that I was special. I stopped telling myself that what I had was worth something to the world, and I stopped remembering all that I've achieved. And I found myself spiraling back into the mouth of the green monster-jealousy. There is a sort of arrogance that keeps you out of being jealous. It is not arrogance exactly, because you should never feel like you are better than someone else, but it is the knowledge that you are just as good as them. You know that just because someone can take a better picture, get a better grade, or live a more adventurous life doesn't mean that you are worthless and will always be less than that someone. You have your own way of doing things, and if you like someone else's way, don't be jealous, simply look at what you like about it and try to adapt some of the qualitites into your own way. I have been struggling with this lately--I have just been getting jealous, no adaption even tried.
Even writing this post has helped me find my way out of jealousy a little bit. I know that throughout my life, there will always be someone to be jealous of, and I now realize that by reminding myself of my strengths and all the things I like about myself, I can be who I was meant to be with a clear head, one not filled with longings of another's hair, eyes, skills, or anything else that I think better than mine.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

"you've got a friend in me."

My friends are the best, sweetest, generous, and most thoughtful people in the entire world.
I say that because they took time out of their busy lives to plan a surprise birthday celebration for me, my sister, and a friend with a nearby birthday, and it was quite possibly the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me in a looong time!
I was sitting on my couch, watching Hannah Montana and feeling like such a freak for not having anything to do on my birthday, and then when my parents told me that they were taking me out to dinner, I was actually excited to finally have something to do. Then, all of the sudden, two of my best friends in thewntire world bust through the back door screaming Happy Birthday, and I almost have a heart attack, but it was the best feeling in the world. I literally couldn't stop smiling for like, 15 minutes. We pick up another friend, and we head to the restaurant that they planned to take us to, and just when I thought that there were no more surprises, 7 ore of our friends are waiting for us there! I was so overwhelemed and thankful and amazed that they had been doing this all without us knowing, and all I could do was grin. On top of all of this, the friend who had done most of the planning insisted on paying for the three of us with birthdays, and even though I really didn't feel entirely okay with that, I just had to let it go and know that it was my birthday and she wanted to treat me, and I should just accept it! Anyways, they gave me gifts as well, which just added to the evening, as gifts always do. :)
We walked around the mall afterwards and I was still in shock of how much thought went into the planning of this, and how sweet everyone was to do that for us. Then, another big surprise came when I found out that everyone was coming over and spending the night!! It was so much fun, and as I write this, four of us are the only ones still left up, and I am just reliving how much fun tonight was. Thank you all for making the big 1-5 so special. :)
I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.

so today i am going to oklahoma city, oklahoma.
i am not excited.
and that's all there is to it.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

let's get a reality check, please.

You know those people that post things like "I wish I could go back before everything went wrong" , "I have tons of homework-FML", or "I'm sick of all of this crap, it's making my life horible." on their Facebook statuses or Myspace updates or whatever? THEY ANNOY ME BEYOND BELIEF. We as Americans, living in Boerne, which, while it may be a little dull, is nice and safe and clean and better than a lot of other places. And we HAVE NO IDEA how lucky we are. Drama at school will pass, get over it. It is truly not that big of a deal. I'm so sick of hearing people complain about things that others would count as blessings, like the fact that our school cares enough about us having a future to give us homework and tests to help us learn, grow, and be able to do whatever we want with our futures. Did you know that out of the 11 million childen in Africa, only 18% of them graduate from primary education, which is to us, Middle School? They have no way of acquiring a job, they can't use knowledge to figure out life problems-they're on their own, and so many of them long to be educated, while we sit here and complain about the people who take time out of their own days to teach us and help us achieve the next highest degree of education. I'm not saying I enjoy the homework, or the tests, or the long, boring hours spent sitting in school, but i look past all of that and see the big picture. I appreciate what my teaches are doing for me, and I wish that more of my peers would do the same. We look so ungrateful and immature when we diss the people who are only there to help us.
Also, griping about "how everything turned to crap" is just plain aggravating. The people who do this are basically saying, "I'm so naive that I can't even see that my PERFECT, BLESSING-FILLED life really doesn't suck, but since I think it sucks, being so ignorant, I'm going to tell everyone about how much I hate my life, even though my "problems" are many other peoples' miracles." Yes, this is directed at all of the people who have ever said "FML" at a problem so minor as ruining their hair. & Yes, I AM NOT saying that I've never had a bad day, or something that I wish hadn't happened, or gotten mad over something miniscule. I have had MANY bad days, I have wished MULTIPLE times that things didn't happen, and I have gotten upset over tiny things too many times to even count. But the thing is, I'm starting to see how stupid all of that is. We are so lucky and we don't even realize it!!!! We could be in India, forced to hide under long black shawls and constantly told that men are and always will be better than us. We could be in Russia, a starving, toothless homeless child left to freeze out in the blizzarding snow. We could be in Africa, malnurished, infected with HIV/AIDS, and watching our children die before us, just waiting for our turn to come. I think that it is time that we ask ourselves, "Are our problems REALLY that big of a deal? Would we rather be doing seemingly pointless homework, or standing outside a schoolbuilding, yearning to be allowed to go inside but never getting the chance to? Does a ruined hairdo even compare to a death-stricken family?"
For everyone reading this, I don't want you to ever think I'm a hypocrite if I ever accidentally complain about something that isn't that bad. I am human, I have lived in this well off town my entire life--I don't know anything different. I know for a fact that I WILL, sometime in the near future, be angry about something that I know in my heart I am lucky to have. But I am saying right now that I am making a conscious effort to be more grateful and appreciative of the things I've been blessed with, even when they don't seem like a blessing. All I have to do is think about the kids who don't have them, and how very blessed they would be if they did.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

untitled.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

My world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Your Hands
-JJ HELLER

Monday, March 1, 2010

newfound love.

Joe Purdy is amazing. I mean AMAZING, amazing. I could listen to his songs all.day.long. He is seriously up there with Coldplay, John Mayer, and Jillian Edwards. Yeah, those are my four favorites. Coldplay, John Mayer, Jillian Edwards, and JOE PURDY.
here are my favorites of his that e v e r y o n e should buy:

I Love The Rain The Most When It Stops
San Jose
Suitcase
Mary
The City
Just Can't Seem to Get It Right Today

There are a bunch more that I haven't heard yet, but I am buying them on iTunes at this very second. If they're Joe, I know I'll love them!

[seriously, listen. I'm not exaggerating.]
:)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

finalllllllyyyy.

A F R I C A.
i feel like it's all i can think about lately.
I'M SO EXCITED!!!
i feel such a call to go there and serve those who have almost nothing, who don't know the Lord, and who don't feel like there's any hope. i absolutely cannot wait. this excitment is up there with the excitment of going to Pine Cove (maybe a little more, oh my goodness!) i am iinnnn looovvee with the idea of beginning to go on mission trips, but i want to make sure my heart's in the right place. i've been praying and thinkin about it, and i can truly say that i want to go to Africa to help people and spread the word of Jesus Christ. Yes, i am excited about going to another continent, yes i'm excited about saying that i've had that experience, but that is not the main reason i want to go. i want to make a difference in the lives of those people, i want to do my small part in changing the world. i know i won't be recognizable or remembered specifically, but i want to be a part of something that makes my God smile!

Now, i know it's not all fun and games. i have to admit, i'm scared out of my mind. right now, my excitement is sort of masking all of my fears, but i have a feeling that as the date we leave comes closer, i will begin to doubt if i want to do this. but that's my fear talking, and it's time i let all of that go. i will not miss this opportunity! more shots at once then i've ever gotten in my life? if delany can do it, i can do it! malaria medication that COULD cause hallucinations? i'll take my chances and trust in the Lord! my fear of a plance crash, getting kidnapped while there, or starving because of my picky food habits? i'm giving it to God! i need to trust that He'll take care of me. i can do this, with His help...

Anyone reading this, please pray for everyone on the trips safety. pray that we will be able to get over there and do the good works that we were sent there to do, and pray that the Lord will work His magic to relieve our fears and help us help others.

AHHH!
:)

Friday, February 19, 2010

hands clapping, hearts shaking, there's no faking...

title inspired by a stupid little Camp Rock song that's been stuck in my head all day...i'm not even sure if I got the lyrics right...
:)

so anyways, i'm here in BCIS yet again, with nothing to do and every website blocked except for this one (thank goodness, because i spend so much time on here reading random blogs it's unrrrreal). i don't know what to do with myself, and i feel like people are watching me type this, so..
creeper kids around me stop looking!
alright, all clear. i don't really know why i decided to write this post, maybe it was my extreme boredom and the fact that there is still 20 minutes left of class and I'VE FINISHED ALL MY DANG CURRICULUM VIEWER?!
maybe.
but i don't know.
i think i just feel like writing.

and now all my creativity is gone, and there is nothing left to aimlessly type about.

uhg.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

i did it.

i got in.
the thing that i've been wishing to be accepted to for months now, finally.
i made it.
okay, so i cheated.
but only a little bit.
and with help from a friend,
who cheated too.
so we're in this fake-acceptance together,
right?


whatever.
i got in. :)




(thanks a ton tay!)

Friday, February 12, 2010

camp craving.

I MISS PINE COVE SO MUCH IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. All I can think about is how much I want to go back, and I seriously don't think I can wait until July! I long for the feeling of peace and relaxation I get at camp, it's like nothing matters except being there to learn more about and praise my God. I need it even more now that I kind of stepped off my walk of faith for a little while there. I am just now trying to get back on the path, and going to camp would just renew my spirit and help me to continue on my journey with the Lord. That is what is most important, and I kind of lost sight of that.
Well, I don't want to get off onto a whole nother point, so I will continue talking about Pine Cove, if that's alright with ya'll. And even if it isn't, I'm going to talk about it anyway. :)
Camp is my heaven-on-earth. It is the one place where I can go and absolutely ALL my insecuritites melt away the second I walk onto the grounds. I'm bad at talking to people I don't know-who cares? I can talk to new people here because I know that I am in a safe place, a place where there's no judgemental eyes, a place where I can escape the normal world. That's just it-Pine Cove is not a normal camp. You don't go and come back the same person you were. You leave changed, with a fresh heart and a passion that you never knew you had. You become this person that, no matter what, if everything bad that could happen does happen to you, you can go to camp and feel completley pure, washed clean, and carefree. We walk around in mud-stained t-shirts and baggy shorts, tennis shoes and mismatched socks, Crocs (which I feel completley disgusting if I wear them anywehre else), messy ponytails, non-straightened hair, and no makeup. And the things is, that's how we make the best relationships. We can see the other person as what they really are, a child of the Lord. There's no mis-leading or fakey exteriors, no worries, no masks, nothing but our bare souls, all there for the very same reason. We grow and learn and cry and laugh and scream and hug and by the end of the week we have all experienced something that is beyond all explanation. We never want to leave. I never want to leave. I just wish I could stay there in that perfect, holy world that I feel so at home in and just right in.
I love Pine Cove and I'm seriously counting the months until I get to go back. FOR TWO WEEKS THIS TIME, I'M ECSTATIC!!!!!!
MISS YOU PC. <3

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

freak out.

I had a panic attack in the middle of the night last night. Yes, a genuine, can't-breathe panic attack. And I don't know why. I feel stressed out over nothing, seriously. I haven't had homework in two weeks, I have some projects but I'm on top of things, I've got everything on a timeline, under control. My parents and I haven't been arguing, Lainey and I are doing better. Barely, but better. Volleyball has been slowly improving. (Again, barely, but still.) MY LIFE SEEMS TO BE GOING JUST FINE. But maybe that's it. Maybe "just fine" isn't good enough anymore. I want it to be "incredible". I want to be able to look back at my day as I'm falling asleep and think "Wow, this day really couldn't have gone any better." I'm not asking for a miracle to happen everyday, or to win something everyday, or to make a new friend everyday, just that my days be ones that I can look back on and smile at. Right now, my days are just, blah. No emotion. Just blah. Sure, they're not bad, but they're not good either. And I long for my time on this earth to be good. No, GREAT.
I think I'm thinking about this too much. For starters, I need to re-give my life over to the Lord. I realize that I have slowly been moving away from Him, and I need to get back into my faith before the connection snaps completley. I've been stuck on thinking how I'M going to fix my problem, and that's exactly why they're not getting fixed.
First step: just b r e a t h e .

Thursday, February 4, 2010

anxiously awaiting.

So this was supposed to be the blog post that I promised some friends, but I had a change of heart. The post was going to be another one of those "get off my case, I'm hurt and scared and angry" trauma-thons, but I realized that once I had written it down with pen and paper, I didn't really need to share it with the world. Let's just say it was written when I was not in the best mood towards someone, and my words reflected that. It was something that I really just needed to get off my chest. And now it is. On paper, safely tucked away from the eyes of my NINE FOLLOWERS (whooo!) :)

Sorry, Sam & Court, this isn't the juicy post I was going to blog about, but it'll have to do.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

wild at heart.

I love my friends.
That's all there is to it.
Sure, they make me angry, they disappoint me,
they don't always understand me, and they have given me so many things to be upset about in the past, but the fact is that,
they are always, always there for me.
I know we all make mistakes, and so I can forgive them for theirs, and hope they do the same for me. I truly, truly hope that we will be those friends that call each other daily after graduating highschool, when we all go our separate ways at different colleges. My mom says that she doesn't keep in touch with her highschool friends, only her college ones, and that makes me so unbelievably sad. Some of my friends have been my friends since KINDERGARTEN, and I am 99.99999% that we are not going to all of the sudden not be friends anymore before we graduate, and so I don't want to lose that when we don't see each other all the time anymore! We are BEST FRIENDS, SISTERS FOR LIFE, PARTNERS IN CRIMES, and LOVERS OF LIFE. My friends and I stick together, get on each others nerves, and then laugh and cry and hug and fall all over each other. We have a bond that will not give up, break up, or lose strength. I hope and pray and dream and wish with all my heart that we will go to college, do our own thing, and still be best friends, exactly as if we were not hundreds of miles apart. WE WILL NOT GO THE SAME COURSE MY MOM AND HER FRIENDS DID, we will continue to all 20-way call or more, whoever wants to join in. WE WILL KEEP IN TOUCH. We will! It's going to happen, there's no way I will let it not happen.
My friends and I? Yeah, we'll be together for a looonnnggg time. :)

Friday, January 15, 2010

maybe that's just me.

I feel like I'm falling and spiraling and I just can't get up. I'm sick of people, I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of feeling like I have no control over my life, and I'm sick that I haven't truly let the Lord have control yet. I'm sick of being me, I'm sick of being unhappy to be me. I'm sick, sick, SICK of hiding and holing everything up inside, and yet I'm sick of not being brave enough to let it all out. I'm sick of feeling like there's no one who really understands me, and I'm sick of having people in my life who understand me almost too much. I'm sick of life, I'm sick of my fear of death, I'm sick of loving too much and I'm sick of not loving at all. I'm sick of knowing exactly what's wrong with me, and I'm sick of not being able to figure it out. I'm sick of my parents, I'm sick of not having their respect. I'm sick of disappointing people, and I'm sick of my obsession to be constantly trying to live up to their expectations. I'm sick of hate, I'm sick of love, I'm sick of hope, and I'm sick of fear. I'm sick of trying to be someone I'm not, and I'm sick of hating who I am. I'm sick of insecurity, I'm sick of people who are fearless. I'm sick of the guilt that hangs over my head everyday, and I'm sick of not getting up and doing anything about it. I'm SICK, and it's time I got better.

But maybe that's just me.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

more and more and more and more.

Movie quotes are the best.
love, friendship, faith, it's all in there.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."-Moulin Rouge

"I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture, dance like a dervish."-Meet Joe Black

"I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough. "-The Notebook

"Some people can't believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first."-Good Will Hunting

"It's not that I'm afraid of dying, it's that I'm afraid of time. You know, not having enough of it."-Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

"I didnt come back to tell you that i cant live without you. I can live without you. I just dont want to."-Rumor Has It

"The brave do not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."-Princess Diaries

"There are some hurts that you never completely get over. And you think that time will diminish their presence and to a degree it does, but it still hurts because well, hurt hurts."-The Story of Us

"All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us.”-My Wonderful Year

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once...and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."-American Beauty

"Lots of girls show their beauty because they want the world to see it, but others try to hide it so people will look for something more."-The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

"You're amazing...and I have nothing to offer you, but I'm involved now. You jump, I jump, remember? I can't turn away without knowing your going to be alright."-Titanic

"Thats what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly."-Hitch

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, 'Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.' You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."-Breakfast at Tiffany's

"I'm fighting for something that's real for the first time in my life."-Step Up



and that, ladies & gentlemen, is how the moviemakers get you.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

i got sunshine, on a cloudy day.

25 Things to Look For in a Guy:
1. He puts God first, Jesus second, and the Holy Spirit third. I'm okay with being fourth.
2. He tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
3. He loves and respects his MOM- their relationship tells exactly how he plans to treat the women in his life.
4. He doesn't let any immature friends he might have influence any of his decisions.
5. He isn't a sexist pig- he realizes that women are NOT useless beings to look at or order around.
6. He isn't in to all that "wow, look at her rack" crap.
7. He won't call me "Hott". "Beautiful" or "Lovely" is more like it.
8. He supports me in whatever I want to do in life, he wants me to achieve every dream I could ever have, and urges me forward when I stumble.
9. He isn't sloppy, lazy, rude, or OCD. On the contrary, he is neat, a hard-worker, sweet, and knows how to pick his battles.
10. He has his priorities straight.
11. He stands strong in his faith, and isn't swayed by the "temptations of the world".
12. He looks my father straight in the eye and tells him that he will take care of his little girl, and my father believes him without a doubt in his mind.
13. He completes me, compliments me, and compares me to no one. In his eyes, I am perfect.
14. He notices the little things, the good things, and the important things.
15. He lets things go, he can take a joke, and he never holds grudges.
16. He isn't cocky, he knows that the Lord is the only one who has the right to be proud of hs creations.
17. He loves to travel and wants to adopt, and he makes enough money to do both!
18. He only says things that would be uplifting, he would never want to tear me down.
19. He is respectful of women. He is polite and would never stare at pictures of boobs.
20. He is adament about helping others less fortunate- he never lets me get away with feeling sorry for myself when I am blessed beyond belief. He always thinks of others before himself, always.
21. He completley understands my boundaries. He wants his first kiss to be his wedding kiss, too!
22. He LOVES dogs.
23. He knows that country life has never been his thing, either.
24. He realizes that living a full and happy life that God will be proud of is of the upmost importance to him.
25. He sings "I got sunshine, on a cloudy day" and I know he means me.