Revelations.

Tonight, we had our volleyball banquet party, and afterwards my dad came up to me and told me that the whole time I had been slouching. It didn't seem like much at the time, but when I got home and thought about it, I realized that I have never slouched untill these past few years. You might be thinking, 'Wow, why is she telling me this?' Well, just hold your horses, I'll get to the point here soon enough. :)
Anyways, I was wondering why all of the sudden I started slouching when I walked and stood, because I've always had good posture, and I realized that it's because these past few years, I have been slowly trying to fade into the background, to make myself as small as possible.
For all of 8th grade and now lot of 9th, I have struggled with immense insecurity. I feel so out-of-place in so many places, and it is something that is so hard for me to overcome, and I know that it's holding me back, but I just can't seem to shake it. By slouching, I felt almost invisible, barely-there, and I thought that maybe if people couldn't see me, they couldn't judge me. What I didn't realize is that all that time, all they saw was a girl always hiding in the back, not very friendly and not very confident, and that turned alot of people that I really could've used in my life away.
It's been a slow process, and it has really only kicked up these past few weeks, but I'm starting to feel more at-home and comfortable around my friends. I think that one possible reason is because of who I am hanging out with more and more-and here I'm going to gush about a certain 2 people that I have become so close with recently, but I'm not mentioning names-one of you I've never known before this year, and yet you make me feel like such a part of you, like we've been friends forever. I've been thinking about the people that have influenced me the most this year, and you are at the top of this list. Gosh, you have brought me out of my shell a little bit! When I'm around you, I feel so included, and loved, and cared for, and it feels like a true friendship, not one where I'm giving giving giving and getting nothing in return. You don't judge me-in fact, all the qualitites I hate about myself, you have told me those are your favorite parts! Even when we are not together, I don't have to worry, because no matter what I know I have a true friend in all of this. And it's not like if we are in a group, you just sort-of include me, while still talking to the others, it's me you're focused on! I have never in my life had someone truly focus on me when we are talking, it's like I'm the one that you actually want to talk to, not the one you were stuck with. Do you even know how amazing that is to me? I've never felt like someone actually wanted to talk to me as much as you do, and I am so grateful for that, it gives me a burst of confidence and a feeling of acceptance that I've never had before.
The other one of you is just as influencing. I've known you for only two years, and you are just as accepting as the girl I mentioned above. You come up and share things with me without me even having to ask, and I know that might be normal for you, but that's never happened with me. I always am the one at the end of the table who doesn't know what the others are talking about, they make no effort to include me, and I just hear snippets of the conversation. You greet me in the mornings with a hug and a smile, and I can tell that you are genuine in all that you do. With you, it's not for show. It's real, and I can't even describe how much I appreciate that.
There are others that are great friends to me, some I've known for longer, but right now, you two are the ones that I am thinking about the most. The true, honest friendship that you have given me is something that I've needed for so long, and I am so glad you two came into my life when you did. With ya'll's simple acknowledgments of our friendship, I feel so much more accepted, and when I feel accepted, I am more confident. In everything you do, you both do it with genuine kindness, and your actions make me feel like part of your group. With you two, I've finally found friends that formed a friendship with me as an original member (does that make sense?) I'm no longer a tag-a-long, no longer an outsider, and no longer afraid that no one loves me, because I know that you both do! I can't even begin to express my gratitude towards both of ya'll, my heart is overflowing, and I seriously might start crying...:)
I love you both as much as I could ever love anyone,
Emily.